Flying

Come fly with Me,
Above all the old dreams we'll soar
on high, I
have for you
a dream waiting to come true
of marvelous stature
if you'll cast
off all the ballast of old dreams
holding you to the ground...
Let's go fly
and you'll come alive
if you fly with Me...
You and I
and you'll own the sky
if you come fly with Me

Oh for grace to trust Him more

Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him
How I've proved Him o'er and o'er
Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus
Oh for grace to trust Him more
-Louisa M.R. Stead

This one has been running through my head off and on for weeks. Actually, it's been running through my head off and on since I first heard it some number of years ago. On countless occasions, burdened in heart and unable to express what I feel, this has been my song.

I trust You, Jesus. I've tested and You've proven Your faithfulness time and time again. You're precious, Jesus. Give me the grace I need for more trust in You.

Yes, 'tis sweet to trust in Jesus
Just from sin and self to cease
Just from Jesus simply taking
Life and rest and joy and peace

Days like today, I long to set myself and my failings and worries and strivings all aside and just let Him fill me with all He offers-- life and rest and joy and peace, held out freely by a loving hand.

Another thought I often return to is from Thomas Browne:

If thou could'st empty all thyself of self,
Like to a shell disinhabited,
Then might He find thee on the ocean shelf,
And say, 'This is not dead',
And fill thee with Himself instead.

But thou art all replete with very thou
And hast such shrewd activity,
That when He comes, He says, 'This is enow
Unto itself-- 'twere better let it be,
It is so small and full, there is no room for Me.'

I have a vague memory of writing or referring to this poem at some point in the past and having an argument arise over whether Christianity means dying to self in the sense of individuality and becoming an automaton, and whether there is any worth to such a practice. That is not the point that I (or, I think, Thomas Browne) want to make. Indeed, I would argue exactly the opposite, that truly following Jesus means truly coming into the fullness of your specific, God-given individuality. My point is this: if Jesus is life and rest and joy and peace, and I am, at the moment, frustration and worry and work and anxiety, how much would I love the grace to set myself aside, take His self up, and trust Him a little more!

60 Years

"Marry your best friend," my grandmother told me last year. "It works best if you do it that way. That's what we did."

My grandparents celebrated 60 years of marriage yesterday. I love that I have grown up with that expectation as the "norm" surrounding me. In a world where so few people make it through life without divorce directly affecting them somehow, I am blessed and thankful to have seen up close what a real marriage looks like. You marry someone for who they are and who you are at the ages of 22 and 23, but you stay married to them for (or sometimes in spite of, or with hope that they will get past) who they are at 35, at 50, at 80. My grandparents have faced the ins and outs of 60 years of life together. They have survived, hand in hand, through times of war and peace, of sickness and health, of bearing three girls and, nearly half a century later, burying one. They have prayed together, gardened together, fished together, and traveled together. They have chosen, every day for nearly 22,000 days, to share life with each other and to honor the commitment they made to each other and to God.

That's what I want. I want, after decades together, after youth has faded and the realities of life have set in, to still go for a walk hand in hand with my husband every Christmas morning. There will be challenges. Anyone is a fool who believes falling in love is all that is required to establish and maintain a family. But I want to find the gold that comes on the other side of refinement. I want to fall in love and then to spend a lifetime choosing love and seeing the fruit of that choice.

Happy anniversary, Grandma and Grandpa!

New leaves and new life

If I haven't written lately, it hasn't been for want of something to say. The past month has been a time of coming out of the survival mode necessary for making it through the desert and into a time of unparalleled life. How do I put into words the sensation of downpour on parched roots? Of life flowing through long-dry veins and unfurling new leaves and fast-ripening fruit? But I want to. If I could write about theories of knowing Jesus and His peace this past year, I can write now about the tangible press of His presence in my heart, His hands lifting up my head, the surprising joy of walking closely with Him and riding in the front seat of what He is doing in the world. More soon.

Motivating factors

The best friends are the ones willing to hold a mirror to your life and challenge you to reach higher. In this manner, I came to a mindset-changing realization this morning (thank you, J).

My heart is for the Lord. I long to see His Kingdom lived out-- fellowship, love, justice, redemption, peace, and joy. This is the very beat of my heart. But somewhere along the line, I have become more focused on the antithesis of this. My mind has become consumed by my hatred for what is not of the Lord. At first glance, this doesn't seem like such a problem. Are hatred for the wrong and love for the right such different things? Don't they lead to basically the same actions? Perhaps, but the quality of life and character of the living are so very different.

Jesus, with a passion, hated what was wrong. But Jesus was never driven by hate. Hate was never the motivating factor of His actions. On the contrary, He knew the intimate details of right, He knew what good looked like, and He loved it. Knowledge and love of God's perfect Kingdom motivated His every word and action. If He grew angry at corruption and brokenness, it wasn't for their sake alone. It was because He KNEW perfection, and nothing else would satisfy!

I want to be driven by a love of God, not a hatred of Satan. I want to trade my cynicism about the way things are for idealism about how they can be. I want to trade my abhorrence of brokenness for the knowledge and pursuit of wholeness. I want to be running toward the light, not just away from the darkness. I want to know Christ in His perfection and let that relationship be the motivation for everything else I do.

Jesus, keep my eyes fixed on you and not on the raging seas around me.

Constant reevaluation

The rapid rolling of the seasons brings a constant call for reevaluation-- at every juncture, may I choose You. At every crossroads, may I follow You. Every time I pack up boxes and sort through belongings, dubbing some worthy to keep and some worthless, may I leave behind a little more of me and carry forward You, more purified in my understanding. You, less diluted by all the extra. You, a little clearer and closer and dearer to my heart than ever before. You are all that is worth keeping, all that is worth carrying, all that is worth clinging to from here into forever.

Only one life,
'Twill soon be past;
Only what's done
For Christ will last.

Quick to say uncle

"Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
-Paul, in 2 Corinthians 2

I've been seeing a great deal of two extremes lately. This summer has been the end of a long dry season in my life, and I have been blessed greatly by opportunities for sweet fellowship with Jesus and some of my best friends. There have been a good number of moments lately where I've had my breath taken away by just how beautiful life can be.

At the same time, I'm watching a number of friends deal with circumstances on the opposite side of the spectrum. Losing a child or a friend, facing sickness and injury, looking ahead to long months or years of struggle and isolation-- there is no doubt in my mind that this world is broken.

But here's what hit me today: we are so quick to say uncle. We are so quick to ask for God's mercy, and to ask that He will deliver us from anything that begins to feel uncomfortable. Now, God is merciful, and I am thankful for that. But as I watch my friends face their challenges, I see pure gold start to come through in their character. Faith that hadn't had a chance to shine is being refined and coming out strong and beautiful. What do we miss if we always seek an easy life? Are we begging for deliverance from God's very means of blessing and refining us? Are we more concerned with our comfort or His glory?

"In this world, you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world!"
-Jesus, in John 16

Taking account of you

"When you weep, your Father beholds. Like a father pities his children the Lord also pities them that fear Him. Your sigh is able to move Jehovah; your whisper can incline His ear unto you. Your prayer can stay His hands, your faith can move His arm! Oh think not that God sits on high in an eternal slumber, taking no account of you."
-Charles Spurgeon

On several occasions lately, I've been encouraged and challenged by quotes and thoughts shared by friends. This is one of those. These are my doubts and my struggles at present... praise God that even men like Spurgeon are familiar with such thoughts.

Guided by a God outside of time

"God, outside of time, has already faithfully provided, even though my eyes are limited to the present circumstances."
-A much-needed encouragement from a friend today

I wait and wait for the future to be unfolded before me, hoping for certainty, for guidance as to the next step, for any sign of where to go or what to do or how it is all going to come together.

But even as I feel trapped in inaction, God knows and is already guiding me to where I need to be. Trust is my portion, and faithfulness in what He has given to me for now.

Seasons changing

"For years I have dreamed of a life that would allow me ample time to read and reflect and pray and meditate for hours about things of the Lord, and at the same time I have consistently filled my schedule with busyness and proceeded to wonder why I never have time to develop all of the spiritual disciplines I pray for... I don't know how long this time will last. But I do know this: I enter every situation in life purely by the grace of Jesus, and the only appropriate response is to live it for His glory. So I will strive, in this time of empty days, of hours and hours stretching out before me, to build the discipline I never had before."
- from my first entry in this blog, August 8, 2009

10 months and 100 entries later, and the seasons are changing. I have found myself scrambling these past few weeks to get my feet under me. My days of empty hours and unlimited solitude are drawing to a close, and new things are on the horizon (though still far enough away that I can only watch and wait until they come into closer focus). But the wind is picking up, the tides are changing, and off I go.

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under Heaven."
-Solomon, in Ecclesiastes 3:1

I have loved this season. I have loved the hours of silence, prayer, delving deeper into God's Word, depending on Him to supply the needs the world could not meet. It has been a time of rest and healing, of training, of preparation, of building habits that I pray I will carry with me on the next leg of the journey. May I greet the future with the fondness I have for the past.

Intentionality

"Godliness is never accidental. Neither is victory coincidental. Both stem from up-front, daily resolve." -Beth Moore

If we are not intentionally pursuing God, we will accidentally be pursued and caught by everything else. Not making a decision is a decision in itself. Are you actively seeking God or passively being ensnared by the world?

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us." - Hebrews 12:1

Choosing today

His mercies are new every morning.

I was talking with a friend today (preparing for teaching lessons at camp) about choices, habits, character development. In everything, we have a choice. In every day, every circumstance, every next step we take is a choice. Whether we are on the mountaintop or in the valley, flying high in victory or brought to the ground by our own mistakes or someone else's, there is no time when we are left without a choice. Lying face-down on the ground as a result of our own intentional rebellion, we are still not beyond the reach of God's mercy.

The choice is this: will I let God have the glory? In my accomplishments and greatest joys, will I give God the glory and take none of it for myself? In my failures and times of broken confusion, will I let Him glorify His name by redeeming my situation?

And the time is now. We could wait until tomorrow, but every action we take is one step toward a habit. Do we want to build the habit of waiting until tomorrow to ask God into our circumstances? Or do we want to build the habit of inviting Him in the very instant that we recognize our need for Him?

I choose Him, I choose now, I choose joyful submission today.

The best place to be

"We do not know what to do, but our eyes are upon You."
-Jehoshaphat and the people of Judah, in 2 Chronicles 20:12

The people of Judah face a great army coming to invade and take possession of their land. They do not have the forces to defend themselves or time to come up with a solution, and so they stand unified before the Lord, fasting and pleading with Him as they wait on His guidance.

Do they know that they are in the best possible place? That their weakness is their strength, for God's power is made manifest in their weakness?

When we come to times of crossroads and crisis, I pray that our response will be the same. We do not know what to do, Lord, but our eyes are upon You.

Abandon

Abandon. Surrender. Taking up your cross.

These are not once-and-for-all decisions. With every new day and each new situation, we decide again whether we will cling to control or relinquish it into the hands of God. My soul belongs to God, but will I give this day, this choice, this worry over to Him?

What fasting is and is not

Fasting is something more than and different from the Old Testament picture of sorrow and sackcloth and ashes and weeping. It is not a hunger strike, manipulating God to answer your requests.

Fasting is being reminded of your mortality and your dependence on the hand of God.

Fasting is identifying with the poor and hungry.

Fasting is adjusting your priorities, being a thankful recipient of God's gifts instead of a slave to them.

Fasting is a bodily reminder to go to your knees, using the twinges of hunger to prompt you to bring your requests before the throne of God again and again, as the persistent widow.

Fasting is joyously proclaiming that there is something more precious, more essential to you than food. It is declaring that your lifesource is other than that on which the world depends.

The nearness of God

What other nation is so great as to have their gods near them the way the LORD our God is near us whenever we pray to him?
Deuteronomy 4:7

But as for me, it is good to be near God. I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge; I will tell of all your deeds.
Psalm 73:28

The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth.
Psalm 145:18

Seek the LORD while he may be found; call on him while he is near.
Isaiah 55:6

Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.
Philippians 4:5

"...a better hope is introduced, by which we draw near to God."
Hebrews 7:19

Come near to God and he will come near to you.
James 4:8

I could, and should, ponder this one for a long time. He is the God of all the universe, uncreated Creator of all things, all-powerful, almighty, and yet He is near to those who trust in Him and turn to Him. What a gift, what a life, to live near to Him all of my days!

All the way my Savior leads me;
What have I to ask beside?
Can I doubt His tender mercy,
Who through life has been my Guide?
Heav’nly peace, divinest comfort,
Here by faith in Him to dwell!
For I know, whate’er befall me,
Jesus doeth all things well;
For I know, whate’er befall me,
Jesus doeth all things well.

All the way my Savior leads me,
Cheers each winding path I tread;
Gives me grace for every trial,
Feeds me with the living Bread.
Though my weary steps may falter,
And my soul athirst may be,
Gushing from the Rock before me,
Lo! A spring of joy I see;
Gushing from the Rock before me,
Lo! A spring of joy I see.

All the way my Savior leads me
O the fullness of His love!
Perfect rest to me is promised
In my Father’s house above.
When my spirit, clothed immortal,
Wings its flight to realms of day
This my song through endless ages—
Jesus led me all the way;
This my song through endless ages—
Jesus led me all the way.

-Fanny Crosby

The place of artists

I love the emphasis placed on skillful artistry throughout the books of 1 and 2 Chronicles. God ordains that the temple will be built and decorated to the finest detail by the hands of skilled craftsmen. The musicians who are to lead the congregation in singing and playing before the Lord are gifted and well-practiced in those areas. From the time of David through the ages, so much of the great art and music of the world was created in worship to God. Let's carry on this tradition! Who better to inspire masterpieces than the true master Artist?

Many parts of one body

It came up in conversation this week that behind any one of the great and well-known preachers or evangelists, people with great ministries, is at least one person who receives little or no fame for their work.

I do not write this to try to change that or to bring those people glory-- their work will be recognized in time in a manner much more worthwhile. But here is another arena of life in which the Christian way is backward. Fame means nothing; earthly recognition is worthless. In the Kingdom, positions in life or ministry that earn the praise of man are leveled to the same ground as those that pass unseen.

No one will ever become widely famous for great organizational skills or faithfulness in cleaning toilets, but I challenge you to name me a ministry that can function without these tasks getting done. Christ Himself came not to be served, but to serve, turning the world on its head and undermining the face value of every position. Do we believe that a life spent faithfully crunching numbers in obedience to God will receive as much recognition from Him as a life spent at the pulpit?

Doing our part and letting go

"Be strong and let us fight bravely for our people and the cities of our God. The Lord will do what is good in His sight."
-Joab to his brother Abishai, in 1 Chronicles 19

Maybe this isn't the most commonly referenced story in all of Scripture, but there's a principle here that hit me today. Joab and Abishai prepare their armies and agree to give the battle everything they've got for the sake of God. At the same time, they also accept that their resources are finite and the ultimate outcome is in the Lord's hands. Are there circumstances in our lives where we could be putting this into practice? I know I tend to either try to take it all into my hands or take a fatalistic view and resign myself to whatever happens. I think, though, that the key to this is in the balance. Isn't it always?

Our resources or His?

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God."
-Paul, in 2 Corinthians 1

I love this verse of Scripture and the passage it comes from. It reminds me of the illustration (well-worn, but still excellent) of a pitcher of water. If you simply pour out the water that is in the pitcher, the pitcher is soon empty and the water ceases to flow. But if the pitcher is located under a faucet with an endless supply of water, the pitcher remains full while still flowing into whatever is around and under it.

I can't put a number on the times in my life that I've tried to do something-- a day of work, a difficult task, a relationship-- on my own resources. Maybe I last a few hours, maybe even a few days if I'm particularly well-rested at the start. But inevitably, and generally sooner than I anticipate, I find my resources have been tapped out. I'm emotionally, mentally, and physically drained, and I have nothing worthwhile left to give.

But God is the faucet to our small pitcher. If we locate ourselves near Him, under Him, in the refreshing flow of His comfort and strength, we ourselves are filled even as we pour out into others. Rather than draining our finite resources, we tap into His infinite resources and reap blessing even while we bless those around us. What a better way to live!

Intellectual Christianity?

With my family and educational background, I have spent a fair amount of time sharpening my intellect. You certainly don't go through a Scripps education without having at least a handful of conversations on philosophy and metaphysics. I am thankful for this background, thankful for the value of critical thinking imparted to me by my parents, thankful for the ability to ask intelligent questions and comprehend advanced concepts.

But there has been one ongoing struggle for me: much of the intellectual input into my life has been from an atheistic, often anti-Christian perspective. As a result, I spent many years avoiding interacting with God on an intellectual level, afraid that my deep questions might topple Him down. A couple of years ago I decided I didn't want to waste my time worshiping a God who couldn't stand up to the questions, so I started asking them. And, surprisingly (at least to me), I started getting answers. The deeper I delve, the more God makes sense on every level. When I ask my questions, I find that God isn't so small and weak and imaginary that He collapses under the onslaught. On the contrary, it's like sailing out onto an ocean when I've only ever seen the harbor. There is more, and it stands up to anything I can throw at it!

This is why I appreciate so much the work of brilliant thinkers like C.S. Lewis, R.C. Sproul, Lee Strobel, and so many others. These are people who have truly undertaken to worship the Lord their God with all of their heart, soul, mind, and strength, allying intellectualism with Christianity and providing unspeakable encouragement to people like me. If you haven't read or listened to anything of theirs, I recommend it. And if you have others like them to recommend, I would appreciate it!

Truth and counterfeit

I can't take credit for this one, but it's one of my favorite illustrations, so I'm passing it along.

There are people whose entire job is to identify counterfeit money. They examine bills under a special light and determine whether they are legitimate or false. They may see hundreds or thousands of bills in a day, but they are able to tell immediately which are counterfeit.

How do they do it? There are an unlimited number of permutations in the false bills. A person could spend a lifetime studying all of the different varieties of counterfeit money, and they still would not exhaust all of the possibilities. There is no way to know all of them. So they invest their time instead in studying the legitimate bills. They scrutinize and memorize the genuine bills until they know them backwards and forwards. They do not have to know all of the different varieties of counterfeits; they only have to know the real thing. Knowing this, they are able to tell immediately when something is wrong.

There are any number of lies, any number of untruths and half-truths and almost-truths that it would be easy to chase after. If we spend our energy obsessing over them, striving to know all of them, our energy is wasted in a futile endeavor. But if we spend that energy instead focusing on the truth, we know the truth and are therefore able to instinctively identify what is not truth. We must know our God, know ourselves, know our calling, know them inside and out. When we do, everything that is not true stands out on sight.

Only one righteous

I have read through all or part of the Old Testament a handful of times in my life. I inevitably find myself frustrated and discouraged, aggravated with the Israelites and their inability to stay on track for more than a generation at a time. The people as a whole stray to the right and left innumerable times, and even the most famous kings and leaders commit egregious errors.

There is no one righteous, no, not one.

Noah, Abraham, Moses, David... these giants of storytime all have black marks on their names. Even if their lives honored God overall, they each faltered and failed in humiliating ways.

But that is what makes the gospels incredible. When you arrive at the life of Jesus after reading page upon page of prophets lamenting the fallenness of Israel and foretelling the lamb without blemish who will take it all upon Himself.

All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned—every one—to his own way; and the Lord has laid on Him the iniquity of us all.
Isaiah 53:6

They say the traits that irritate us most in other people are those we most hate in ourselves. Like Israel, I fall over and over again into the same sins, disbelieving God's all-sufficiency and seeking help elsewhere. I come back again and again to the same mercy, the same love, the same open arms. Thank you, precious Lord, for grace.

The creator impulse

I love to cook. I'm not talking about throwing together a mix, adding an egg or some chicken to a package of unknown ingredients put together unlovingly by someone in a factory somewhere. I'm talking about sifting the flour, chopping the onion, shaking in the spices, kneading the dough, stirring the batter (generally by hand), and carefully monitoring the sizzling pan or rising loaf. I never thought of this as a particularly spiritual desire. I just like to make things, to see ingredients become a meal (or, for that matter, a seed become a flower or a ball of yarn a sweater).

But was I not knit together in my mother's womb by the original Creator? Was I not made in the image of the creative God? And so my creative impulses become an act of worship, done in homage to the One whose creative nature I echo.

Shopping around

"A practical disbelief of God's all-sufficiency is at the bottom of all our departures from him."
Matthew Henry, in his commentary on 1 Kings 12

Why do we walk away? Why do we chase after anything else? We believe He is not enough. One who has found what he is looking for does not keep looking. If Jesus really didn't satisfy, if there really was something better out there, shopping around would make sense. But He is the one thing that satisfies. I've found it to be true in my life, even after shopping around more than a little. He is the answer, He is the desire, He is the satisfaction, the goal, the purpose of it all.

He is not a crutch to be clung to until we are able to walk. He is what makes us fly.

Where you are

Where are you? Is God calling you in a very obvious way to change situations? Follow Him, if He is. Otherwise, where you are is your calling for the time being. Maybe you have big dreams for the future, places to go, plans to fulfill. That is all fine. Or maybe you are exactly where you've dreamed of being. Is it everything you imagined? Does it fall short? Regardless, right now, you are where you are, and this is your only chance at this particular set of circumstances. Live it before it's gone.

"Wherever you are, be all there. Live to the hilt every situation you believe to be the will of God."
-Jim Elliot

The fruit of discipline

This week I played my guitar for worship at church and ran three miles. These might seem insignificant and unrelated to each other, but hear me out.

One of my big goals over the past six months that I've been living the cabin life in WA has been to build discipline across the board in my life. At first glance, practicing the guitar and being in shape don't seem like spiritual disciplines. But to be faithful in much you have to first prove faithful in little. I was talking to a friend a few months ago about the way that discipline in one area seeps into your habits in other areas. When I am consistently keeping up good habits in one part of my life, I am much more inclined and able to do the same in other areas. Thus the spirituality of playing the guitar and going for a run. In addition to reading the Word, fasting, memorizing Scripture, journaling, and praying, I've been practicing the guitar and exercising almost daily, working to develop discipline as an overall character trait rather than as an isolated characteristic of one part of my life.

The ability to play the guitar competently for worship and to run 3 miles are the outward symptoms of the discipline I've been pushing for these six months. I pray that the inward change is as marked.

Boasting of the future

"One who puts on his armor should not boast like one who takes it off."
Ahab, in 1 Kings 20: 11

Ahab certainly isn't the Old Testament king with the cleanest record or the most upright life, but he got at least one thing right. No matter how certain we are of the odds, we must wait until the battle is finished before we claim the glory of the results. Let us be patient and humble, preparing ourselves for what is ahead rather than claiming to know it already.

Straining toward what is ahead

"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."
Paul, in Philippians 3

There is a balance between healthy reflection and unhealthy obsession. If we don't examine our pasts and learn from our mistakes, we are fools. But if we spend our whole lives obsessing over our mistakes, we are fools. So we acknowledge our imperfections, incorporate our newly-found wisdom into our approaching decisions, place our identity firmly in the life, death, and resurrection of Christ, and press on. Always forward, always upward, always heavenward to Christ.

That I may know Christ and be found in Him

"Whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may know Christ and be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ-- the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in His sufferings, becoming like Him in His death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead."
Paul, in Philippians 3

...that I may know Christ and be found in Him...

This week has been a hard one. Reflection, dissatisfaction, unfulfilled expectations, loneliness, feeling lost and adrift and lacking a sense of direction for my life. There have been some tears and some hours of crying out to God. But at the bottom of it all is this: the desire of my heart is to be found in Christ. I love Paul's language here-- to know Him, to be found in Him, the power, the fellowship, the surpassing greatness. This is all I want.

I am at the end of myself and, I hope, the beginning of Him.

Joy as a lifestyle

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

We quote Paul's words from the fourth chapter of Philippians all the time. But I'm struggling to live it today. Joy is a choice, not a feeling. It is a lifestyle, not an emotion. Paul writes these words in chains, in isolation, suffering for the Gospel. Are your circumstances worse?

Rejoice in the Lord at all times.

Living and learning

This weekend is my birthday. This week I went through and either archived or deleted all 3000 (yes, with three 0s) emails in the inbox of the Gmail account I have had for just over four years. Both occasions give me cause to stop and reflect a little.

Item 1: A lot of life happens in a year. Maybe this is primarily the case because I am in that phase of life that is a constant transition from one thing to the next, but wow. A year ago I was graduating from college, pretty certain of three things: I was going to live in Chicago for the foreseeable future, I was going to be a teacher for the foreseeable future, and I knew who I would spend the foreseeable future with. All three of those things came true, but the foreseeable future turned out to be much shorter than I had anticipated. I'm learning to say "Lord willing" and not to make big declarations about things I don't know.

Item 2: I have some incredible friends. With as many moves and changes as I've had in my life over the past 6 years, I've found myself wondering from time to time who my real friends are. There are some that fade away and slip out of contact, but there are some that have begun to shine through as those that will always be there. They've been with me at my best and at my worst, they've been the constants in periods of turmoil and transition, and they have proven trustworthy and faithful. Thank you, friends.

Item 3: Hindsight really is 20-20. The emails made this especially clear. I see myself making mistakes, and then making those same mistakes over again, and then staying in mistakes way longer than I should ever have stayed. In the moment, it's so hard to see clearly and so hard to know which way is up. Lord, help me to learn from my mistakes, to be patient and deliberate, and not to lean on my own understanding.

So here comes 23. Year two of post-graduate life. What does it hold? I have some ideas, but I'm striving to be patient (see Item 3) and not to make any big declarations yet (see Item 1). I'm hoping for a lot more growth, a little more wisdom, and maybe even some direction for the future.

Trustworthy

"Neither he who plants nor he who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow... Each one should be careful how he builds. For no one can lay any foundation other than the one already laid, which is Jesus Christ."
Paul, in 1 Corinthians 3:7,11

Is there any experience so earth-shattering as trusting someone and having that trust betrayed? Especially when that person is a leader, a mentor, someone you look up to and aspire to be like. You put your confidence in that person and start to build parts of your life on that foundation of trust, so that when the foundation crumbles the rest comes tumbling down as well. Is anyone truly trustworthy? "There is no one righteous, not even one." (Romans 3:10) But trust is necessary-- in ministry, in friendship, in marriage and families-- so how do we walk that line?

Let us put our confidence in the only One who is trustworthy. If we follow anyone, let it be Him. Let us weigh every decision, every relationship, every step against His Word and His guidance. And He, in turn, will show us where to stand, where to lean, where to walk. If we build anything in this life, let it be on the foundation that is the solid rock of Christ, the one foundation that will never be shaken and cannot be moved. If we trust in Him first and foremost, we have a firm place to stand and build all other things. When the sand shifts, as it always will, we will still find ourselves on the Rock.

On Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand.

Grace and consequences

As I've worked my way through the Old Testament this year, I've noticed time and time again the tension between grace and consequences. God, in the Old Testament as in the New, yesterday, today, and forever, is a gracious god. Gracious and compassionate, slow to anger, rich in love. He is near to those who call upon Him; He casts our iniquities as far from us as the east is from the west; He paid the price for all sin and offers forgiveness to the wickedest of men.

But grace doesn't eliminate consequences. Forgiveness doesn't mean elimination of the chain reaction that began with your sin. I see this in my own life, as I deal with the ramifications of mistakes I made years ago. "Haven't You forgiven me, God?" Yes, He has. But sin, forgiven or not, still affects our lives and--perhaps the more painful reality-- the lives of those around us. David, in the 2 Samuel debacle with Bathsheba, commits adultery, lies, and murders a man. He becomes repentant, confesses his sin to God, and receives forgiveness. But the child conceived in his adultery dies, and his family suffers the consequences of his sin for generations.

So what can we do? Accept grace, but don't expect it to be a get-out-of-jail-free card. If your sin landed you in that prison, you will pay the time for it. Live in the truth that you are forgiven--guilt has no place in the life of a pardoned believer--, but accept and nobly bear the fruits of your decisions. And learn from it. Improve. If the rod is not spared, let it be useful for teaching and changing our paths.

Renewed thinking

"What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun." Ecclesiastes 1:9

"He who was seated on the throne said, 'I am making everything new!'" Revelation 21:5

"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind." Romans 12:2

There is hope, there is life, there is joy.

Taking a step

"So he got up and went to his father. But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him."
-Luke 15:20

As humans and as American Christians, one of our greatest enemies is independence-- the "pull-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps" mentality. If we are to accomplish anything, it will be by the sweat of our brow. If we are to receive grace, we are going to deserve it. If we cannot get our own selves to a lifestyle of holiness or a disciplined routine or a worshipful mindset, we throw up our hands and proclaim that it can never be. But grace deserved is not grace at all.

'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear
and grace my fears relieved.
How precious did that grace appear
the hour I first believed.
Through many dangers, toils, and snares
I have already come;
'Tis grace hath brought me safe thus far
and grace will lead me home."
-from John Newton's "Amazing Grace"

But we are not left entirely as puppets or pawns in the hand of God. He asks of us a step. If we cannot bring ourselves to the place we need to be, He asks of us to take a few steps in that direction. If we cannot budge our foot, He asks of us just a desire to move. If we cannot convince our heart to desire it, He will accept a simple prayer for that desire to be there. I have seen this time and time again in my own life as well as in Scripture-- the father did not seek out the prodigal son while he was still living in rebellion, but as soon as he began the journey to the front door, the father was running through the fields to embrace him and welcome him in.

Can we humble ourselves enough to seek and accept grace in today's circumstances?

Coming alive

"Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive."
-Howard Thurman

"Calling is where your great passion meets the world's great need."
-Frederick Buechner

I like doing a lot of things. I enjoy theatre and music. I like to read and write. I am generally happy being outdoors. I find new languages entertaining. I am intrigued by the challenge of helping people to understand new concepts. Being around kids makes me smile. But as I've tried my hand at all of these things, I've been frustrated to find that none of them quite fit. I work at them while my mind wonders if there isn't something I would really love to do.

A few weeks ago, during a time of prayer, I felt God telling me, "I am calling you to come alive." This could mean a few things-- to live more fully every day, yes, and to be fully present and alive where I am. But a few days after that, a sermon posed the question, "What is it that God created you-- specifically you-- for? With your unique passions and gifts and understanding and personality, why are you here?" And so I've been pondering this, turning it over, wondering if there is something I could really do for a lifetime without my mind wandering.

Since I was about twelve years old, my "When I grow up..." was this: I am going to help domestic abuse victims. The more complicated version involves a shelter that works in conjunction with a bakery or coffee shop, so the women learn a marketable trade skill and have a purpose for their time while they get on their feet again, and the bakery in turn supports the financial needs of the ministry. (This is still my ultimate dream.)

In weighing the years I've had this dream (over a decade now) against my motivation for letting it go (primarily fear of failure in an arena where the stakes are high), I've decided to start taking the necessary steps. So I'm applying to master's programs in Psychology and Counseling. "When I grow up..." is getting a lot closer-- time to get moving!

Enough

When we are not enough-- for our families, for our friends, for our ministries, for what the day-to-day requires of us-- God is. There's no way to learn it except by coming to the end of yourself, but know that God is there. And, in coming to the end of all your resources, you find the Source of all you've ever needed. He is the fount of the true version of everything you've ever counterfeited with your best efforts at love and grace and strength. He is love. He is grace. He is strength. Why look for it elsewhere? Why settle for the world's version? The end of yourself is the end of the rainbow.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:9

Trusting God with the finish

In the weeks before I left Costa Rica (almost four years ago now), my heart broke as I watched the kids start to realize the time was approaching. I wanted them to know the depth of my love for them, to know that I would carry them with me through the rest of my life, to understand that they weren't just a summer to me. I would have stayed if I could, but that wasn't where God had me.

As we were leaving La Cuenca one day, Hugo turned to me and, knowing what I was thinking, said, "You just have to trust, because God tells us that we will reap what we sow. So every one of those kisses that you give the kids, every time you open yourself up and love them, those are seeds that will be planted deep down in their heart. And you have to trust that years from now, even though they might not remember all the specifics of who you were or what you did, they will remember that one time, someone really loved them. And that's the best legacy you can leave behind."

I don't like to start projects that I won't be able to see through to the end. If I can't fix a situation completely, I don't like to get involved. For a long time, this has kept me from pursuing the path closest to my heart. Don't get me wrong-- having the drive to stick with something to the end is a good thing. But there are some projects we won't be able to finish. There's a Jewish proverb about working for justice in the world that goes something like this: "The fact that we will not, in this lifetime, be able to finish the work, does not give us permission not to begin." I'm paraphrasing, but the point is there. If we refuse to try our hand at any good work for fear of failing, we are motivated only by selfishness, by the desire to maintain our own good name.

It is God's to see the work through from start to finish; we are to plant or water or reap as He calls us. We may not see the completion of it in our lifetime, but we will see more than if we never begin.

Life above reproach

As Samuel is finishing his lifetime of ministry and leadership over Israel, he stands up before the crowd and asks if anyone has a complaint against him. If he has oppressed anyone, stolen anything, or accepted bribes, he invites his people to speak out against him so he can make it right. To me, especially in a context of politics where no elected official ever has everyone on his side, this seems like inviting the rotten tomatoes to come flying. I almost cringe to read what will come next, especially being a person (as I am) that doesn't always respond to criticism well. I have spent a considerable amount of energy in my life trying to fly under the radar and avoid any kind of negative feedback.

But the people respond, "You have not cheated or oppressed us. You have not taken anything from anyone's hand." No tomatoes are thrown, and Samuel steps down with honor.

Here's the thing: what if we spent less energy on avoiding the reproach we deserve and more energy on living above reproach in the first place? If we live a life that is honorable, doing nothing in secret that would embarrass us if brought into the light, we have nothing to fear from the feedback of those around us. Our conscience will be clear before God and honest men, and slanderers will have no power over us.

The piano took up the living room.

My little cabin in the woods is well-furnished. In the weeks after moving in, I inherited (from various friendly folks) a couch and two love seats, a long coffee table, and a dining room table with three chairs. Add those to the bed that already lived here and the red travel trunk I brought with me (my mother's, from college), and you have yourself a home! Yesterday brought one final piece of furniture into the cabin: a Jacob Doll New York Boudoir Grand piano.

I told Grandma Duke about it today, and she got almost as excited as I had. "Oh, that's company," she said. "Something like that, it'll keep you company. It's almost like having someone there with you... if you'll play it when you want to make a joyful noise, and play it too when you're not joyful, that piano will keep you company. That piano will... well, it'll talk to you."

I chuckled at the time, but I think she was right. I've struggled at times with living alone in the cabin. I've had to wrestle my impractical desire for a dog or a kitten to the ground more than once. I came home today and scooted the piano to the perfect spot (behind the wood stove, backed up against the island in my kitchen space). I got out the furniture polish and shined it up, and then I sat down and played and sang my heart out.

Maybe it's a silly thing to set so much stock on a Jacob Doll Boudoir Grand with a few odd keys, but Jesus knew what I needed, and I think He delights to give gifts to His children and watch them rejoice.

Heart's ease

"Prayer is heart's ease to a gracious soul. Prayer will smooth the countenance; it should do so. None will long remain miserable, who use aright the privilege of going to the mercy-seat of a reconciled God in Christ Jesus."
-Matthew Henry, in his commentary on 1 Samuel

I wrote yesterday of times where the brokenness in the world seems much more prevalent than the redeemed. This is true often enough, but we are also called to praise the Lord at all times, not just acknowledging His existence but rejoicing in Him. Before we raise our arguments against this, contending that our situation is different, that surely our circumstances exclude us from the group who are required to rejoice, let's remember that these words were written by men whose trials most likely outweigh ours by a long shot.

Do we believe God is on the throne? Do we believe He is good? Do we believe He hears us when we pray? Then let us pray, leave our burdens at His feet, and continue on with the command He has given us. Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: rejoice!

The cloudy days

There are days when it's easy to celebrate spring, and there are days when it seems like the broken things of this world far outweigh the glorious. The confusion today prevails much more than the clarity. It's not that anything particularly new or earth-shatteringly awful has happened. It's just one of those days where there are more questions than answers. Friends are hurting; prayers seem to go unanswered; situations remain the same.

But the test is in how you respond. You can be a victim of fate, you can turn an accusing finger at God, or you can trust Him. Trust that the sun still shines above a cloudy day. Trust that the Creator God who formed the glorious spring can redeem situations of hurt and abuse and sin. Trust that, though the world is fallen, it is not spinning wildly out of control.

He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together.
-Colossians 1:17

The sun will shine, the spring will come, and there will be both justice and rest.

Perspective

"We felt very nice and snug, the more so since it was so chilly out of doors; indeed out of bed-clothes too, seeing that there was no fire in the room. The more so, I say, because truly to enjoy bodily warmth, some small part of you must be cold, for there is no quality in this world that is not what it is merely by contrast. Nothing exists in itself. If you flatter yourself that you are all over comfortable, and have been so a long time, then you cannot be said to be comfortable any more. But if, like Queequeg and me in the bed, the tip of your nose or the crown of your head be slightly chilled, why then, indeed, in the general consciousness you feel most delightfully and unmistakably warm."
-from Herman Melville's Moby Dick

I love this passage. Okay, I'll own up to it: it's one of two passages of Moby Dick I've ever actually read (maybe someday). Perhaps it's because I grew up accustomed to cold weather and the delight of being warm under the covers when you know how cold it is just outside of them. Or maybe it's just because it's such a perfect description of the value of perspective.

I've been delighting this year in watching the spring (slowly, slowly) unfold from its dormancy. Discovering sprouts of daffodils and mysterious other early flowers around my yard, leaving the curtains open all day and coming home to a wonderful, sun-warmed cabin, keeping a close eye on the leaf-buds all around that seem to grow even as I watch them. I have always loved spring, but my appreciation for it has blossomed exponentially after four years in California. When it's almost always sunny, when the trees stay green all year or drop their brown (not red and gold) leaves in the unheard-of month of February, there's no value to spring.

But when spring follows months of wearing four layers of clothing inside, chopping your weight in wood daily, walking to work and then waiting an hour to regain feeling in your toes, oh, welcome, glorious Spring!

It's about perspective. It's about contrast. There is so much in this life, in this world, that will pull us down and break us, freezing our hearts until we can't bear to feel anything anymore. This was not God's intent at the beginning of all things. But praise the One who redeems even the deadest of circumstances, who uses our greatest trials for our greatest deliverance! Without winter, could spring be so glorious?

Doing life together

It's been a while since I last wrote-- I took a couple of weeks off of work to take part in the wedding of two friends in California, as well as to spend some sweet time in fellowship with friends there, in Oregon, and in Washington. What a blessing! I am (now that I have caught up on the sleep I did not get while traveling) refreshed and rejuvenated, encouraged and joyful. I have been blessed with wonderful friends. It's hard to remember this sometimes, as it's been a while since I had the opportunity to live near any of them, but I do have really wonderful friends.

I hadn't realized how much I had felt the lack of peer fellowship this winter until I was surrounded by an abundance of it again. It makes sense, though-- we're created to be in fellowship and to do life together. I pray for an opportunity to live this way again soon. For now, I'm thankful for the time I got and the encouragement it gave me to continue on.

How good and pleasant it is when brothers live together in unity! Psalm 133:1

As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another. Proverbs 27:17

Let us not give up meeting together... but let us encourage one another, and all the more as you see the day approaching. Hebrews 10:25

Resurrected life

Easter. How should we respond?

"If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from His love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus, who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made Himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And, being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself and became obedient to death, even death on a cross."

This is resurrected life. Submission in order to truly be free. Setting yourself aside in order to truly love. And, in this process, unity and fellowship and fulfillment. Logically, it doesn't make sense. But nearly ten years of following have shown me that this is where true joy lies.

Spinning the Gospel

Every Christmas and Easter a tendency comes out in the church. We want to find a new way to preach the old stories, to unearth a new facet of the Gospel, to find a new angle on the life, death, and resurrection of Christ. We figure people have heard it all before. What will bring them to church and to faith if we can't find a new edge?

Martin Luther, when asked by members of his congregation why he insisted on preaching the Gospel every week, responded that he preached the Gospel every week because every week they forgot it. He would move on to something else when he saw evidence that they had truly received the Gospel and were living accordingly.

Paul wrote, in his letter to the Romans, "I am not ashamed of the Gospel, for it is the power of God for salvation to everyone who believes..." In his letter (with Timothy) to the Philippians, he wrote, "I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord... I want to know Christ and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in His sufferings."

The Gospel is enough. We don't need to spin it or twist it or find a new way to present it. May the truth be spoken, may it fall on ready hearts, and may God be glorified in our representation of Jesus now as He was in Jesus' life, death, and resurrection 2000 years ago.

Binding speech

I've been thinking lately about words-- specifically promises and vows, spoken commitments, and their decreasing power in our day. Throughout the Old Testament, an emphasis is placed on carrying out your commitments. The books of the Law strain over and over the weight of vows and the importance of honoring them, and Solomon affirms this in Ecclesiastes 5:5, saying, "It is better not to vow than to make a vow and not fulfill it."

Even outside of the Bible, looking to history and literature up to the 18th and 19th centuries, a truly respectable person was a man of his word. If a person spoke a promise, he carried it out, regardless of changing circumstances or desires. At a cursory glance, this looks ridiculous. Should a person be unhappy and stay tied to a wrong decision made rashly? I would argue that such a mindset prevents rash and meaningless speech. As the spoken word has become less and less binding, we feel more and more free to speak whatever will get us the desired results in the moment, knowing we can back out later from whatever we commit to now.

I want to be a woman of my word. If I speak boldly of anything, I want it to be truthful and earnest. I don't want to be given to extreme statements and sensationalism, and I don't want to vow and break vows lightly. I want my yes to be yes and my no to be no and my promises to be worth something, made in light of careful consideration and prayer. And it makes sense that these are the people I want around me. In hard times, you turn to the friend whose word is his deed. I want to be that friend-- consistent, measured, and faithful.

Inwardly renewed

Health problems have been a part of my life for a little over a decade at this point. I won’t go into the specifics here—that’s not the point of this—but suffice it to say that I’m not dying (or getting significantly worse) and I’m also not getting better. Feeling entirely well is more remarkable for me than feeling unwell, and I spend a lot of time being generally achy and exhausted. Some days are better than others, and today is one of the others.

But today has also been a day of feeling closer to God than I had in a long time. I’ve been able to feel His presence and just to rest in it, to seek His guidance for my future and His comfort for some of the things I am facing in the present. Days like this are so sweet, and I would take a lifetime filled with physical pain and sweet communion with God over a healthy, self-sufficient one any day. I love the book of 2 Corinthians because of the way Paul speaks into situations like mine:

“Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”
From 2 Corinthians 4

“Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take [the thorn in my flesh] away from me. But He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me… For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
From 2 Corinthians 12

Paul's struggles were considerably rougher than mine, but even he looks on them as light and momentary troubles in view of eternity and the inexpressible greatness of knowing Jesus Christ.

What I want to do

This passage came to mind today as I thought back over the past couple of weeks and tried to come up with something encouraging to write:

"I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do... I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out... for what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing... In my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!"
Paul, in Romans 7

It's been a pretty lazy, selfish week or two, if I'm honest about it. And the funny thing, as I was discussing with a friend on the phone a few days ago, is that selfishness doesn't tend to actually get us the results we want. We want joy, fulfillment, peace, purpose, and comfort, but we turn from the Source of every good thing and try to meet those needs elsewhere. It's selfish because it does not seek first to glorify God, but it's also futile, leaving us bitter and unsatisfied. The truly self-serving choice would be to take up our crosses and seek God's kingdom first, losing our lives for a short while and thereby gaining every worthwhile thing in this life and the next.

I take comfort that Paul expressed my very feelings so very well. If a man used so mightily by God struggled with these same things, God is truly able to redeem any life. I rest in His grace.

Empty thyself of self

How quick I am to be crabby and short and sarcastic when I am all full of myself, and how quick He is to answer when I pray that He would come in and fill me with Himself instead. How much lighter and quicker a day's tasks seem when I do them all as unto Him. How quick I am to forget this and have to learn it all again the next day! His mercies are new every morning, and so is our need for His mercy.

If thou could'st empty all thyself of self,
Like to a shell dishabited,
Then might He find thee on the ocean shelf,
And say, "This is not dead,"
And fill thee with Himself instead.

But thou are all replete with very thou
And hast such shrewd activity,
That when He comes He says, "This is enow
Unto itself - 'twere better let it be,
It is so small and full, there is no room for me."

-Thomas Edward Brown

Picture of a king

This is the description of a godly king given by Moses to the Israelites in Deuteronomy 17:

"He must be from among your own brothers. Do not place a foreigner over you, one who is not a brother Israelite. The king, moreover, must not acquire great numbers of horses for himself or make the people return to Egypt to get more of them, for the LORD has told you, 'You are not to go back that way again.' He must not take many wives, or his heart will be led astray. He must not accumulate large amounts of silver and gold.

"When he takes the throne of his kingdom, he is to write for himself on a scroll a copy of this law, taken from that of the priests, who are Levites. It is to be with him, and he is to read it all the days of his life so that he may learn to revere the LORD his God and follow carefully all the words of this law and these decrees and not consider himself better than his brothers and turn from the law to the right or to the left. Then he and his descendants will reign a long time over his kingdom in Israel." Deuteronomy 17:15-20

This goes against so much of what we see and understand and have as examples through history. Israel didn't always follow these guidelines faithfully, but here is the root of God's heart for leadership and authority. The king is to be one of them, humble and not self-serving, not chasing after multitudes of women, not seeking out riches but burying his head in God's word. This is government.

One foot in front of the other

Some days, everything comes together. You read the Word, it impacts you, and you are filled with joy or sorrow or penitence or hope. You pray and God answers. You walk through your day and He is present in every step.

Some days, it all feels like an empty shell. You read the Word and don't understand it or feel it past the surface level of comprehension. You pray and feel like you are talking to yourself. You walk through your day oblivious, not sure where your purpose went or how you are to get it back.

It's not about what you feel. Thank God for the emotion when it is there-- what joy to feel His presence and hear His words so close to your heart! But in any marriage, only fools would expect the emotion to last forever and carry them through. There are days when the only reason you do what you do is because you have committed to it. In those days, not in the mountaintops of emotion, lie the true strength of the relationship. The mountaintops will come again, but only if you keep putting one foot in front of the other all the way through the valley.

Submitting to love

"And now, O Israel, what does the LORD your God ask of you but to fear the LORD your God, to walk in all his ways, to love him, to serve the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul, and to observe the LORD's commands and decrees that I am giving you today for your own good?"
Deuteronomy 10:12-13

The Bible, the Old Testament especially, can seem a little harsh at times. Repeated over and over again are commands that we will love and serve the Lord first and the Lord only, worshiping Him and obeying Him and honoring Him and following Him. Submission is not a concept of which I have always been particularly fond, whether to God or to another human being, but it's a concept I've started to understand a little more this year.

We are trained to want to be in control. In our ideal world, we call the shots and make the decisions and serve our own interests, and it's all about us. To submit would be to sacrifice that self-interest and to lose all of the benefits, right? Not necessarily. What if you were submitting to One who knew better than yourself what would be good for you? What if you were submitting to One whose love for you surpassed even your own self-love? What if submission to another's commands and laws and orders would actually bring you the most satisfaction and fulfillment?

What if the One we were submitting to looked something like this?

"To the LORD your God belong the heavens, even the highest heavens, the earth and everything in it. Yet the LORD set his affection on your forefathers and loved them, and he chose you, their descendants, above all the nations, as it is today. Circumcise your hearts, therefore, and do not be stiff-necked any longer. For the LORD your God is God of gods and Lord of lords, the great God, mighty and awesome, who shows no partiality and accepts no bribes. He defends the cause of the fatherless and the widow, and loves the alien, giving him food and clothing. And you are to love those who are aliens, for you yourselves were aliens in Egypt. Fear the LORD your God and serve him. Hold fast to him and take your oaths in his name. He is your praise; he is your God, who performed for you those great and awesome wonders you saw with your own eyes."
Deuteronomy 10:14-21

Disobedience and disbelief

"All disobedience to God's laws, and distrust of his power and goodness, flow from disbelief of his word, as all true obedience springs from faith."
-Matthew Henry, from his commentary on Deuteronomy 1

God's Word is pretty straightforward. Love Him, love others, honor and obey Him, acknowledge your sinfulness and His grace through Jesus on the cross. All of the commandments basically melt down, as Jesus pointed out, to "Love God and love your neighbor." And yet we disobey. And Matthew Henry hits the nail right on the head with his commentary: when we disobey, it is because we disbelieve in God's goodness, His promises, and His faithfulness to do what He has said (both the positive and the negative). If we obey Him, it will be the best thing we can do, the best life we can live (not easiest, but best) and the best consequences we can reap. If we disobey Him, it will be the worst. And if we really believed that, we would act accordingly, repenting of sin and stepping out in faith. So why don't we?

Overwhelmed (in a good way)

I wrote this for the Jonah (where I work) blog today, but I'll post it here as well for those of you who don't read that one:

Maybe it’s due to getting a little less sleep than usual last night, or maybe God is calling my heart to wake up, or (most likely) those factors are working together, but I have found myself overwhelmed several times today by the grace of God and the evidence of His hand at Jonah Ministries.

As I write this, the team from Synergo is finishing up the repairs on our ropes course, which means it will be usable for our first group in March. We were heartbroken when the windstorm took it down, and I think we often walked in doubt instead of faith as we tried to piece together the logistics of the repairs. But we prayed with the little belief we had, and all it took was one miraculous check from our insurance company to get us back on our feet again. God’s timing is perfect. He is faithful to provide for His work.

I also have the privilege of reading the responses that have been pouring in for our first annual Jonah Family Reunion. I have been moved to tears on several different occasions by the testimonies of how God has used Jonah to shape lives. We are so flawed, so human, and so often at a loss to even know what the next step should be. But God uses us, over and over again! Lives are being changed as the doors stay open year after year, and we sit here in the front row seats getting to watch it all unfold. It’s not by any greatness of our own—in fact, when we think we’ve got it all together just right is usually when things fall apart—but by the mercy of God and the mystery of His choosing to work through imperfect people. So we praise Him for that and settle into our front row seats, gaining a little more faith with each miracle and waiting to see where He will overwhelm us next.

Focus and perspective

"He that rides to be crowned, will not think much of a rainy day."
-John Trapp

"A man's greatest care should be for that place where he lives longest; therefore eternity should be his scope."
-Thomas Watson

Where is your focus? Is your heart set on the crown, or are you delayed and distracted by the rain on the journey?

Remembering

I was telling stories today about my time in Africa-- the humorous (and horrible) health stories at first, but then the deeper stories of what God did in my heart and life during that time. As I talked, I was encouraged and challenged, reminded of the faithfulness of God during that time and seeing the events of that summer in a new light now that a few years have passed.

Give thanks to the LORD, call on his name;
make known among the nations what he has done.
Sing to him, sing praise to him;
tell of all his wonderful acts.
Glory in his holy name;
let the hearts of those who seek the LORD rejoice.
Look to the LORD and his strength;
seek his face always.
Remember the wonders he has done, his miracles,
and the judgments he pronounced.
Psalm 105:1-5

The Israelites commemorated God's great work in their lives and in their nation with songs and poems. They would mix those stories in with their words of praise, telling of the Lord bringing them out of Egypt and into the Promised Land, keeping them safe and faithfully guiding them. Their children and grandchildren knew of the goodness of the Lord because they heard the stories over and over again. What are our stories? Where has the Lord's hand been evident in our lives? What will we strive to remember and tell our children and our children's children? How do we remind ourselves?

"In every stage of our lives, nay, in every step, we should notice what God has wrought for us; what he did at such a time, and what in such a place, ought to be distinctly remembered."
-Matthew Henry in his commentary on Numbers 21

Balancing anticipation and presence

A few days ago I wrote about Israel's position of waiting on the Lord and living from day to day. As I've continued to mull this over and study that period of history, I have been struck by another facet of life as an Israelite at that time.

It's true that they were to wait every day for the Lord to show them what to do. They couldn't plan ahead and make a projected schedule of events. But, at the same time, the whole purpose of all of the years described in the books of Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers, and Deuteronomy was to bring the Israelites out of Egypt and into the Promised Land. So while they were waiting each day for the Lord to show them His purpose for them in that day, they were also holding the promise in mind. They took life one day at a time, but each day was only important in how it prepared them for the Promised Land. They were learning to listen, obey, live in fellowship, worship, and relate rightly to God.

Sound familiar? There are things I am waiting and hoping for in this life and beyond it. I hope to one day marry and have a family. Nothing compares to the promise of freedom from sickness, sin, and suffering and the hope of being united with Christ when my time on the earth is through. But right now, God has not given it to me either to be married and have a family or to be with Him. I can dream of those things and hold onto the hope He has given me, but I am called to be where I am, fully present in each day to learn what He has for me. In this, as in so many other things, it all comes down to finding the balance.

On the move

"Whether the cloud stayed over the tabernacle for two days or a month or a year, the Israelites would remain in camp and not set out; but when it lifted, they would set out. At the Lord's command they encamped, and at the Lord's command they set out."
Numbers 9:22-23

The Israelites didn't get to plan. They didn't get to look a month or six months or year or ten years down the line. There was no five-year plan on which they could base their days. They had promises from the Lord, they had commands from the Lord, and they had the Lord's presence, and that was to be enough. They were to honor Him daily, observe the statutes He had put in place, and watch for His presence to move. They were to be ready at all times to follow Him wherever He led, and ready at all times to stay however long He asked. The emphasis, in their daily lives, was not on God's big plan for the Israelites. The emphasis was on honoring Him and obeying His commandments every day, trusting that He had a plan and would give them the information they needed.

"If You say go, we will go;
If You say wait, we will wait.
If You say step out on the water
and they say it can't be done,
we'll fix our eyes on You and we will come."

Trusting Him today for tomorrow

"If we are careful to do our duty, we may trust God with our comfort... Many Christians anticipate evils, questioning what they shall do, and fearing to proceed in the way of duty. But we have no right to anticipate evils, so as to distress ourselves about them. To carnal minds we may appear to act absurdly, but the path of duty is ever the path of safety."
Matthew Henry, in his commentary on Leviticus 25

"Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
Jesus, in Matthew 6:33-34

"He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God."
Micah 6:8

Little by little, I get glimpses of the future, fragments of plans among the oceans of possibility. But more common still is the sense that for the moment I am precisely where I need to be, and my lot at present is to live it out well. There are times of action and movement and change in life-- may we act boldly when required to! But so much of life is to be where we are and to live it well. Tomorrow will come, and we will receive it and make our plans and adjust accordingly, but God has given us only today. What will we do with it?

The gift of uncertainty

"My part is to receive whatever He gives. Guidance for a decision that need not be final until next Wednesday may require one small move or commitment today. I accept that and act on it without haggling with God because He has not yet granted me all the information I'm itching for. Perhaps patience is His gift of bread for today, or quietness, or the gift of uncertainty, that I may rest in His love, confident that when the time is ripe, the guidance will be clear."
-Elisabeth Elliot in God's Guidance

The gift of uncertainty? I'll be honest, I almost chuckled to myself upon reading that part of the paragraph. But the words that follow confirm that it is, or can be, a gift-- "that I may rest in His love, confident that when the time is ripe, the guidance will be clear." Uncertainty is a gift because it disallows self-sufficiency and forces us to wait on the Lord and to actively trust in Him. I say actively trust to distinguish between this kind of trust and another: the everyday, passive trust where we say we trust the Lord, and maybe we do, but we feel we've got a pretty good hold on the present circumstances and the immediate future. Trust, in that sort of environment, is on the back burner. It's there to fall back on, but it's not terribly relevant at the moment.

When given the "gift of uncertainty," though, trust becomes active. God may not give us tangible steps to take or leading in one way or another. It may be that all we are able to do is to trust Him, and trust becomes the action-- every minute of every day, committing our future into His hands and trusting. Taking worries captive and exchanging them for trust. Letting go of the fallback plan and choosing trust as our only plan. It makes me uncomfortable just to think about it. But when we choose discomfort for Christ's sake instead of the immediate comfort the world has to offer, we are given the opportunity to know God's comfort. I trust it will be worth it.

Robbing the Gospel

We see all things in light of our own experiences. There is really no stopping it, and I do not think this fact is, in and of itself, a bad thing. There is a great deal of diverse wisdom to be gleaned from the experiences and perspectives of the people around us. However, I think we have to watch out for the tendency to focus too single-mindedly through our own lens, especially in looking at the Gospel. We cannot shape the Gospel with our personality and experiences. The Gospel shapes us.

If we, out of a disproportionate sense of guilt and shame, focus only on sin and repentance, we rob the Gospel of mercy.

If we blithely fixate on joy and love and freedom, we rob the Gospel of wrath and justice and heartbreak.

If we spend all of our energy on puritanical law-keeping, we become Pharisees and rob the Gospel of its power to redeem the imperfection of our unredeemable lives.

If we throw aside law and justice altogether and fix our eyes only on grace and forgiveness, we rob the Gospel of its structure and guidance for this life.

If we look at the Gospel and see only a good man, or a forgiving man, or a revolutionary fighting for social justice, we rob the Gospel of its holy divinity.

In short, if in any way we make the Gospel about ourselves and our own agenda, we rob the Gospel of its axis and anchor, Jesus Christ. The Gospel is for us, and hallelujah for that. There is mercy and grace and joy, and we are the ones that benefit. But the Gospel is about Jesus. The Gospel is about the glory of God. It is not about us.

Holiness and mercy

I have been studying the Old Testament since around the start of the year, trying to get a better grasp of the history of God's people Israel leading up to the birth of Christ. I'm hanging out in Leviticus and Numbers at the moment, reading them along with Matthew Henry's commentary and building a working understanding of the laws and sacrifices and ceremonies and procedures ordained by God at that time.

What continues to stand out is the combination of holiness and mercy. God is holy, perfect, set apart. No wicked thing can enter his presence, and He can tolerate no sin. He calls His people Israel to be holy as well, set apart from other nations because of His purpose for them. The consequences for sin are harsh. But He makes merciful allowances. Where He could have condemned, He offers atonement and second chances. He allows for poverty, asking only what the people are able to offer, not willing that any should perish. And, thousands of years down the line, along comes the Son of Man. The lepers who have for years shouted, "Unclean, unclean!" are healed by a touch of His hand. The woman who has bled and wept and wondered for over a decade is returned to community and fellowship again.

His holiness requires our holiness and can accept nothing less, but His mercy enables us to walk in holiness and provides a way for reconciliation.

Imaginary sinners

Everyone is a sinner. Everyone also sins. It's easy enough to admit that you are a sinner-- very few would claim perfection, if only for fear of having their closest friends point out just how far that is from being true. To admit your individual sins, though, and to see those specific sins as they play out very significantly in your life and the lives of others, hits harder. When our own specific instances of weakness and sin and failure are thrown in our faces, we so often want to crawl in a hole and give it all up. We daily claim our identities as redeemed sinners, but one individual sin is enough to finish us completely and make us doubt the grace of Christ. I know He forgives all, but can He possibly forgive this? Yes.

"The true Christian daily pleads guilty before God, and seeks forgiveness through the blood of Christ. And the gospel salvation is so free, that the poorest is not shut out; and so full, that the most burdened conscience may find relief from it."
-Matthew Henry, from his commentary on Leviticus 5

To doubt the power of the grace of Christ to forgive one sin is to impugn the power of the Cross. It is to say to the One who gave it all, "It's just not quite enough." His grace is sufficient for us, for His power is made perfect in weakness. Grace is made perfect in the sin it covers over.

"God does not save those who are only imaginary sinners. Be a sinner, and let your sins be strong, but let your trust in Christ be stronger, and rejoice in Christ who is the victor over sin, death, and the world."
-Martin Luther

Service as a gift

"The more we do in the Lord's service, the greater are our obligations to Him, for the will, for the ability, and opportunity."
-Matthew Henry in his commentary on Leviticus 1

This, like so much of faith, is so backwards from the way we think. We feel that the Lord should be indebted to us for our service, that we are somehow giving Him something out of the goodness of our own hearts. But everything we have was given to us by His hands in the first place, even the very opportunities we have to minister! We really cannot believe that our cars and houses and food come out of His generosity (and indeed sometimes we don't even give Him credit for these) but then claim that our service to Him flows from our own resources. We have no resources. All is from Him, and He makes it ours to give or to keep, but let us not fool ourselves into thinking that we are especially good or generous. Only One is exceptional in His goodness and generosity, and every good and perfect gift-- including ministry-- comes from Him.

Drawing lines

"Wherever you draw the lines is where the battle will be."

The dean of a small Christian college in the 50s said this about setting rules and boundaries for the students, but I think it can be applied across the board. Life is not going to be easy. Maintaining any kind of discipline, killing off old habits, setting standards and rules for yourself-- it will be a battle. But where will you draw the lines? Will you draw them low and close to yourself, so you're fighting just to break even without falling over? Or will you draw them high and far away, requiring effort and energy and giving you the opportunity to stretch and grow and travel to new heights? Will you be satisfied with the same lines, the same old battles, or will you continually reevaluate, re-draw, and push yourself further?

The choice you make now affects where you will stand 1, 10, 50 years from now. Will you be in the same place, wrapped in cobwebs and unable to see the light of day? Or will you be on a mountaintop with a new vantage point?

Duty

"Suppose one of you had a servant plowing or looking after the sheep. Would he say to the servant when he comes in from the field, 'Come along now and sit down to eat'? Would he not rather say, 'Prepare my supper, get yourself ready and wait on me while I eat and drink; after that you may eat and drink'? Would he thank the servant because he did what he was told to do? So you also, when you have done everything you were told to do, should say, 'We are unworthy servants; we have only done our duty.' "
Jesus, in the Gospel of Luke

The chief end of man is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever. We exist to bring Him honor. He has made it clear how to do this: love God, love each other. If we live this way, our life is perfectly glorifying to Him and also perfectly satisfying to us.

But we don't. We sin. We seek to glorify ourselves instead of God, and we love ourselves above our fellow man. We can live a redeemed life and get closer and closer to holiness by the grace of Christ, but our nature is still sin. Our nature is sin, and our duty is holiness-- polar opposites. There is grace, oh praise the Lord, there is grace flowing down abundantly from the cross of Christ, and that grace will cover over all our sins, but let us not ever believe in our own achievements. Let us not ever say to God, "Give me the credit I deserve," for if He gave us all we deserved, we would be sadly surprised to find ourselves in Hell. Let us humble ourselves before Him, love Him and each other as He as asked, and ask nothing more than that our life would be a pleasant aroma to Him.

And in all of this, oh mercy of mercies, we truly find joy and peace.

Born again

Jesus declared, "I tell you the truth, no one can see the kingdom of God unless he is born again." "How can a man be born when he is old?" Nicodemus asked. "Surely he cannot enter a second time into his mother's womb to be born!"
Jesus answered, "I tell you the truth, no one can enter the kingdom of God unless he is born of water and the Spirit. Flesh gives birth to flesh, but the Spirit gives birth to spirit. You should not be surprised at my saying, 'You must be born again.'"
John 3:3-7

Several friends or acquaintances of mine have had babies in the past couple weeks. For the families, it's a time of excitement and joy, the fulfillment of long months of waiting. The babies themselves are beautiful, intact and perfect, perhaps with their mother's nose or their father's eyes. But so much of the joy of this occasion lies in anticipation: the baby is a clean slate, humble and full of possibility. It is a life just begun, with no long list of sins and no pride keeping it from dependence on God and family. There is no claim to wisdom or greatness in a baby, nothing but potential.

So, too, must we be. We must come to a place spiritually of humility and dependence, letting the blood of Christ wipe away the sins of the past and declare us new. And, in that place, we are full of beautiful potential in the eyes of our own Father.

Ash Wednesday

I wrote before about the discipline of fasting bringing a person to a point of recognizing his or her own weakness and thereby knowing more of his or her need for God. Another aspect of fasting is the righting of a person's relationship to material goods. By choosing to fast from certain foods or activities, or from food altogether for a time, two things are accomplished: misplaced worship is abolished and godly appreciation is established. (I am talking, of course, about fasting from things that are not evil in and of themselves-- fasting from sin is actually just called repentance. It's worth your time as well.) When we fast from the God-given things we love and sometimes worship as idols, we return them to their rightful place below God. And, conversely, we also cease to take them for granted. God is Lord of our lives again, and we are duly grateful for His gifts.

Learning as a lifestyle

I have a to-do list. Actually, I have a lot of to-do lists, ranging from "Do ASAP" to "Do When You Are Bored" to "Do Because You Should, Come On Now" to "Do Before Dying." The last one is the one I'll focus on today. There is actually a document on my computer titled "To Do Before Dying." In it are places I want to visit, skills and languages I want to learn, experiences I want to have, and challenges I want to face and overcome. This week was a good week for the list, as I was able to cross off two items: make soup (confidently and successfully, without a recipe) and be able to do a pull-up. Items already accomplished include driving a motorcycle and going to Africa.

I started officially keeping the list a few years ago as a result of conversations with a new (now "old") friend. When I graduated from college, the list took on new importance. No one was watching me anymore, checking my assignments and making sure I was learning the things I had signed up to learn. I was, for the first time in 17 years, not a student. At this juncture in my life, I realized something. I could go with my instinct, which told me to shy away from challenges and stay safely within my comfort zone, and arrive at the end of my life some fifty years hence (Lord willing) with basically the same set of skills and knowledge that I have now. Or I could make a commitment now to push myself and be always a student, always learning, always growing. If I learned or tried or accomplished just one thing every year for the rest of my life, I would arrive at the end with some fifty (Lord willing) new and exciting skills and experiences beyond what I have now.

So I'm knitting a sweater, making soup, learning the guitar, and doing pull-ups. I'm planning for the big trans-America train journey someday and looking for opportunities to sharpen my French. I am a student of life, and I will be until the day I die.

Equipped

Forgive as I have forgiven you.
Love one another.
Rejoice in the Lord always.
Be holy, as I am holy.

Hard words. They sound good, certainly, on skimming over them. We generally agree that forgiveness is a positive thing, we like to love and be loved, and we don't mind having joy. Holiness is a little tougher to get behind sometimes, but we could accept it. But always? The command to rejoice is the only one that explicitly includes the always, but it's implicit in the others. These commands are to fuse together into the lifestyle we live. We are to forgive every offense, love every fellow human being, and rejoice in every circumstance. We are to be holy, blameless, and set apart by our faithfulness in following these commands. Every day.

The secret is this: if He demands it of us, He equips us for it. If He sends us down a path, He has walked it before and will walk it again by our sides. We do not have to follow these commands on our own strength; in fact, we cannot. But He lived them once in a perfect life, died for our failure to live them, and will live them again through us if we let Him. And we, through dying to ourselves and living to Him, will benefit. Everything is to be gained-- forgiveness, love, joy-- and nothing is to be lost except those things that will only cause us sorrow in the end.

Betsy Scott Stam

"Lord, I give up all my own plans and purposes, all my own desires and hopes, and accept Thy will for my life. I give myself, my life, my all utterly to Thee to be Thine forever. Fill me and seal me with Thy Holy Spirit. Use me as Thou wilt, send me where Thou wilt, work out Thy whole will in my life at any cost, now and forever."
-Betsy Scott Stam, quoted in the introduction to Elisabeth Elliot's book Let Me Be A Woman

Elisabeth Elliot copied that prayer into her Bible at age 10 or 11, and look where it took her. Where will it take me?

Humility

One of my new year's resolutions this year was to ask questions. For me, this meant two things-- first, to learn to listen (another resolution) more and talk less. I love hearing from the hearts of the people around me, but I have never been good at asking questions to initiate that sort of conversation. I am very good at talking about myself. And second, to humble myself and acknowledge willingly that I do not know everything. I want to learn from the wisdom and experience of the people around me, whether in web design or walking with the Lord.

In reading Matthew Henry's commentary on Leviticus 4 today, I was reminded of this resolution. Henry writes: "That which I see not, teach thou me, and, Show me wherein I have erred, are prayers we should put up to God every day; that if, through ignorance, we fall into sin, we may not through ignorance abide in it." When I was in a position of supervising summer staff members at Jonah, the question I loved most to hear was "What could I be doing better?" It invited teaching, encouraged growth, and showed a truly humble heart. How much sweeter must that question be to the One who has everything to teach us, when we have everything to learn?

Hallelujah

"Hallelujah, hallelujah... whatever's in front of me, help me to sing hallelujah."
-Bethany Dillon

It's certainly been a week. A lot of things I thought were settled have become unsettled, things I thought were finished have become unfinished, things I thought were certain have become uncertain once again. It could have been an awful week. I could have cried a lot more tears than I did (granted, I did cry some). I could have become bogged down and overwhelmed and frustrated.

But, by the grace of the Lord, I instead spent the week becoming deeply acquainted with peace. Tangible peace, sweet peace, peace like a river. I'm back in a place (should be dear and familiar-- or at least just familiar-- to me by now) of having no idea what the future holds more than 6 months out from where I stand. I don't love this place. But I love Jesus, and I do trust Him, and I know what I need to do. Micah 6:8 again-- do justly, love mercy, walk humbly with my God. Not out in front of my God, not where my God tells me to go, but with my God. Study His word. Listen for His voice. Walk with Him throughout my days. Hallelujah.

And yes, whatever's in front of me, help me to faithfully sing hallelujah.

My Father's world

This is my Father's world,
and to my listening ears
all nature sings, and round me rings
the music of the spheres.
This is my Father's world,
I rest me in the thought
of rocks and trees, of skies and seas,
His hands the wonders wrought.
Maltbie D. Babcock

I guess I'm on a bit of a hymn kick the past few weeks. Not a bad thing. The weather has been just lovely the past couple of days here-- it's warming up and thawing everything, bits of blue sky peeking out of the clouds, the snow melting. It's the kind of weather that makes me want to spend every moment of daylight out exploring the woods or walking or just sitting in the sun.

Yesterday after church I went up the hill behind my cabin (and the house where I grew up) to run around and get a bit of exercise. I do this pretty often when the weather is like this, and every time this hymn by Babcock comes to mind. Having grown up in the woods, the sights and sounds and smells of wet moss and singing birds and dark pines reaching out of the fog are home to me like few other things in this world. I have lived in cities, and sometimes even loved living in cities, but nothing quite sings the grandeur and majesty of God like His untouched creation-- it's good to be home.

Roberta Montgomery McKinney

Evening Thought

The place wherein I labor is remote,
Strange scenes about me, loved ones distant far;
But work, though often long, hath much that's sweet,
Since all is wrought for Thee. I only ask
A little respite, when the day is done,
To kneel with those who round Thine altars wait,
(O blest communion, that, of severed hearts),
And in the stillness know that Thou art God,
While rise, like incense from the sunset fires,
The best which this day men have thought and done.
Enough, if aught from mine own hand shall worthy be
To mingle there, and I, with them, to worship Thee.

Roberta Montgomery McKinney
Kiating, West China, 1905

Roberta was my great grandmother, a missionary to China with her husband William Ayer McKinney before they had my grandfather and his two sisters. In rooting around our attic today, we found a box of family genealogies and odds and ends, including a little card with this prayer written on it.

A calm and thankful heart

I admire Anne Steele quite a lot. I may have mentioned her before, but she's worth mentioning again. Loved the Lord, lost her fiance to drowning the day before her wedding, devoted the rest of her life to assisting her father in ministry and writing beautiful hymns of surrender and devotion to God. Here's one of my favorites, a simple prayer:

Father, whate'er of earthly bliss
Thy sovereign will denies,
Accepted at Thy throne, let this,
My humble prayer, arise:

Give me a calm and thankful heart,
From every murmur free;
The blessing of Thy grace impart,
And make me live to Thee.

Let the sweet hope that Thou art mine
My life and death attend,
Thy presence through my journey shine,
And crown my journey's end.

This is my prayer, in this time as in all times. Let me be calm and thankful, blessed by Your blessings and fixed on Your hope. Walk me through this life until death, and be there to meet me in glory at the end of it all.