11/24/12 UPDATE: Final pre-outreach update

Hi there!

I've been notified that my last update (November 9) may have gone to spam folders for many of you (too much bolding, McKinney). For your reading convenience, I've posted it at my blog (find it here), and I will henceforth refrain from bolding every other sentence.

I recommend reading that one first, but if you're crunched for time, here's the reader's digest version: I'm heading to Arusha, Tanzania this Thursday with a team of 25 students and 3 leaders! We'll be there for a little over 5 weeks (our start date has been delayed due to passport issues) doing evangelism, mercy ministry, church ministry, and anything else God puts in our path... we don't really know specifics as of yet. We have a place to stay for the first two weeks, and from there we'll just pray and stay open to possibilities that we come across. So stay tuned for the post-outreach update, which will have much more information!

For now, some praise and prayer points:
-Praise: We successfully completed the 3-month lecture phase with every student that began the course. There were some sickness and visa issues that threatened this, but we've all come back together in time for the outreach, and we're so thankful! We feel like a family, and it's hard when any one person is missing.
-Praise: The Americans on base were able to get together (with the help and company of our British base leaders and a handful of friends from other nations) and celebrate Thanksgiving with a real Thanksgiving dinner, turkey and all! It meant so much to all of us to be able to celebrate in a way that felt like home.
-Pray: For our outreach team. For unity, safety, love for each other and those we're serving, energy and health on a busy schedule, and for God's guidance in every day of our ministry. And for me-- I'm one of two student leaders for the team, so pray for God to work through me and use me in this role.
-Pray: For my heart during this holiday season. I love it here and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is where I'm meant to be, but the holidays are a hard time to be away from loved ones any way you slice it. Pray that my joy, home, and family with be in Jesus.
-Pray: That I will see a giraffe. I'd really like to see a giraffe. And a zebra. And I'd especially like to see a lion, though they tell me that's doubtful.
-Pray: For God's guidance for my post-DTS plans. I've had some really exciting opportunities come up for the next two years, and I'm in the process of praying and sifting through them.

I'll be quite limited in my use of the internet for the five weeks following Thursday, but I always love reading your emails whenever I get them, so keep me posted! And, as I know you do, keep me in your prayers... I'm so grateful for all of your prayers, love, and support. And, in case I don't get a chance to say it, Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Love,
Molly

11/9/12 UPDATE: Repentance & reconciliation, outreach plans, malaria, electrocution, and a wedding!

How's that for a title? Yes, it's been a crazy month.

Reconciliation

In my last email, I asked for prayer for unity in our DTS, and especially in our room. God has answered your prayers swiftly, powerfully, and thoroughly. A few days after the email, our room had a meeting and talked through the things that we were struggling with, and the culture of our room changed that day. Most of the hurts had been unintentional, through miscommunications and assumptions, mixed with a little selfishness on all of our parts, but we have seen such a shift towards love, humility, and service. Praise the LORD!

And this morning... I don't really even know how to describe this morning. I had read about times like this, but I had never experienced it for myself on such a large scale before. We, as a whole DTS, were having a time of prayer for our upcoming outreach, and the Holy Spirit came with such a flood of repentance over the whole group... for hours, we were weeping and confessing our selfishness and weakness and sin to God and to each other, humbling ourselves and acknowledging our need for Him. By the end of the time, all bitterness and discouragement had melted away, the feeling of disunity was gone, and we as a DTS had come to a new level of love for each other, commitment, awe, and submission to God, and excitement about what He's going to do in our remaining two months. One girl had even changed her plane ticket a month ago to go home next week, and by the end of this morning she had changed her mind and is so excited to join us for the outreach and finish the DTS. No one could put a finger on what we needed as a group, but God knew and brought it to pass, because He is faithful and powerful and loving. We are walking in our forgiveness and redemption, and we are excited to go forth in love and unity and share the good news!

Outreach Plans

Speaking of sharing the good news, the outreach plans/teams have been announced! I'll be going with a team of about 30 people to Arusha, Tanzania for six weeks starting November 24. We'll stay there in Arusha, partnering with local churches to share the gospel and minister to the hurting and needy in any way we can, whether in hospitals or ministries for street children or anything else that comes up. It's a bittersweet time, as I'll be separated from many of the people I've become closest to, but I know God has a perfect plan, and I cannot wait to see what He'll do during this next season!

Malaria/Health Needs

As many of you know through Facebook, I had my first run-in with malaria about two weeks ago. I'm doing much better now, thanks to God and your prayers and the doctor we have here on base, but I certainly don't recommend malaria! Days of high fevers (staying between 103-104, around 40 Celsius, for about 3 days), uncontrollable shivering, aching head and body, and no sleeping or eating, accompanied by a medication that makes you even sicker, weaker, and wildly emotional... but the students and staff around me took care of me and celebrated with me when I was finally able to get up out of bed. Thanks so much for your prayers and all your notes of encouragement-- I can't express how much that meant to me while going through such a rough time.

One of my best friends here, Humphreys, a Ugandan staff member, was also hospitalized this week with malaria, typhoid, and stomach ulcers. We almost lost him, and it got a little scary for a few days, but he's home on the base as of last night and has the life back in his eyes. Thanks for your prayers for him as well-- he says without them, he knows he would have died. There have been several major health needs among the students and staff in the last few weeks, leading to large hospital bills for several of my close friends. Healthcare is inexpensive here, by Western standards, but a hospital bill of $200 can be crippling for an African YWAMer living by faith... Please pray for provision, and if God puts it on your heart to give anything towards the hospital bills for Humphreys, Arafat, Florence, or Steven, please send it to Journey Church/1491 W Rose St./Walla Walla, WA 99362 with a note that it is for me, and also send me an email letting me know the amount you are sending-- sometimes it takes a little while for the money to make it through the mail and into my account and to my attention (I do live in Africa).

I also got electrocuted! No lasting damage except for a small scar on my foot, but apparently sometimes live wires are just lying on the ground, and when you take your high heels off after a long day of being a bridesmaid, you can step on them and burn the tissues inside your foot and also feel the electricity all the way into your shoulders. So that was a new experience.

Wedding

Speaking of the wedding, I got to be a bridesmaid in my Canadian friend Chasity and my Ugandan friend Nixon's wedding this last weekend. It was a long day, especially after having malaria all week, but it was an honor and a joy to get to stand with Chasity on her special day, as so many of her friends are so far across the world.

Closing Remarks/Prayer Points

I'll send at least one more update before leaving for outreach, and I hope to write a few blog updates (on repentance, being wealthy and living among the poor, and maybe waiting on the Lord) this weekend, but for now, here's how you can pray:

-Outreach preparation. Unity for the teams, wisdom for the leaders as they plan, and provision, protection, and fruitfulness as we go.

-Health and hospital bills. Pray for health for our DTS-- the last few weeks we've seen more sickness than we ever want to again-- and for provision for the hospital bills that have come up, especially for students and staff who don't have the resources to pay for them.

-Continued outpouring. Pray that God will continue what He started this morning, in each of our hearts and in us as a team. It's so good!

Thanks so much, and all my love to each of you!

Empty

If thou could'st empty all thyself of self,
Like to a shell dishabited,
Then might He find thee on the ocean shelf,
And say, 'This is not dead',
And fill thee with Himself instead.

But thou art all replete with very thou
And hast such shrewd activity,
That when He comes, He says, 'This is enow
Unto itself - 'twere better let it be,
It is so small and full, there is no room for Me.

-Sir Thomas Browne

This is one of my favorite poems, and it seems I come back to it in every new season of life. I know it's not my first time writing about it on this blog.

The past three weeks have been a process of emptying, or maybe more of being emptied by my circumstances. I came into our mini-outreach (the most taxing time yet on the DTS) already discouraged and drained of all of my resources (I thought). As the days continued on, I would find some small, untouched resource and use that, waking up each morning feeling like I had even less to offer than I had the day before.

But here's the thing. It's a little like cleaning, I think. As long as the room is still full of stuff all over, there's a limited amount of cleaning that can happen. You can sweep, maybe mop, dust a little, but you know you're just scratching the surface. If you put everything away and maybe scoot the furniture around, you can get a pretty good cleaning done, but the room is still the same and you know there's some grime sticking to the bottoms and backs of things. But when you take everything out, empty the furniture and move it, bring the room back to the empty shell it was when it started, potential happens. You also, unfortunately, are forced to remember where you've been using furniture to cover holes in the wall and mismatched patches where you ran out of the right paint.

So that's been me. Every day, a little less furniture, a little less stuff, a little less "me". Every day, a deeper cleaning, a hollower chest, a longer time waiting in my quiet time with the Lord. ("No, seriously, God. I actually CAN'T do this day unless You do it for me."). And every day, more freedom, more potential, deeper peace when that potential is filled by the rushing in of His Spirit and the miracle of His using my empty shell.

It's hard, and I'll be honest when I say I'm praying that it's only a season, but it's worth it. Go deeper, get lower, let Him root it all out, and find out what real fullness feels like.

The Restoration of Peter

"There's nothing you can do to make God love you more, and there's nothing you can do to make Him love you less. He loves you because He loves you, because He loves you, because He loves you, because He loves you, because He loves you, because He loves you, because He loves you, because He loves you, because that is what He is like." -Jonathan David Helser

Peter is a simple fisherman, going through his daily routine. Jesus finds him where he is and changes the course of his life by calling him: "Follow me."

Peter walks through three years with Jesus, seeing the miracles, the kindness, the power, the authority, the humility, the meekness, the perfectness of Him.

Jesus humbles Himself before Peter, sharing a meal with him, washing His feet, spending time with him.

Jesus predicts His death, and Peter vows his allegiance, promises his faithfulness to the very end. Jesus predicts Peter's denial in triplicate that very night.

The guards come for Jesus, and Peter draws a sword and attacks in violence and emotion-- still dedicated to Jesus. Jesus sheathes the sword and goes peacefully with the men.

As Jesus is beaten, mocked, tortured, Peter warms himself by the fire. But his heart is cooling. "I wasn't with Him. (One.) I don't know Him. (Two.) I swear to God I've never even met the man! (Three.)"

The rooster crows, Peter remembers, and his heart breaks.

The next day, Jesus dies. Peter never had an opportunity to make it right.

When the news of the resurrection comes, Peter's heart leaps and then crashes. Jesus is alive, but I've ruined my chance. Peter goes back to fishing.

Jesus finds Peter where he is. He joins him in what he's doing. He cooks him breakfast. And then He pulls him aside.

"Peter, do you love me?" "You know I love you." (One.)
"Peter, do you love me?" "You know I love you." (Two.)
"Peter, do you love me?" "Lord, You know all things; You know I love You!" (Three.)

Jesus changes the course of his life by calling him again: "Follow me." 

You cannot fall beyond the reach of God's love and restoration. You cannot lose His call on your life. He is the father of the prodigal son, He is the God of Romans 8:38-39, and there is nothing and no one that can separate you from His love. Not even you.

White

Hey kids, I'm white. I'm English, Welsh, Scottish, German... really white. Maybe in the States I pride myself on the ability to develop a nice tan with little effort, but let's face it: I'm white, and will always be white.

Here's an excerpt from an email to my parents this last week:

The last few weeks have been a reality check about the very real difficulties of serving here as a white person. It's the first time my race has been something I'm forced to think about every single day, the first time being white has limited me and put me in danger, the first time I've been so aware of prejudices and stereotypes based on my skin color. It's a heavy thing, especially realizing that this is the reality of life for many of my friends in the States, and that I've been privileged never to experience it.

I will always stand out. Even if I were to live in this Walla-Walla-sized town my entire life, do all my shopping at the market, make close friendships with the locals, I would still walk down the street to a chorus of "mzungu, mzungu!" (white person, white person) every day, still pay twice as much for everything, still be a target for theft, still get lied to about everything by people looking for a soft heart and deep pockets... Even if I learn the language, the culture, adapt the style of dress, I will always be the "other" here, and that is hard.

On a somewhat more temporary note, it's been a humbling thing to find that the skills I've developed and valued so much in the States don't translate here. I'm not able to be on the worship team because all of the songs are in Swahili or Luganda, and the words are made up as they go along. My music is appreciated, but as a novelty, not as a means of deep community and fellowship as it has been.

When I go to communicate, I have to simplify my language so much to traverse the language and dialect barriers (not to mention managing completely different cultural contexts) that it's hard for me to express anything deeper than a surface-level idea. It's hard to be going through so much transition and not to be able to express what I'm feeling to the people around me. And it's hard to feel like a leader in our class, which is a position I'm in given my age and life experience compared to many of the others, when any time I speak in class, I'm met by blank stares. It seems like it doesn't matter how much I simplify and slow down, the response is generally an apologetic smile and "I'm sorry, I'm not sure we caught that."

In other words, I feel limited and sometimes even useless because of my race and cultural background, and that's a hard pill to swallow. I know I'm called here, but will I always be such an outsider?

And an excerpt from my dad's response: 

It's great to hear your thoughts and reflections-- even if they're not all pleasant. Which of course is what you'd expect, even hope for really, in the situation you've chosen... It's not supposed to be fun, only interesting.... Which doesn't preclude fun of course, and what is fun anyway?

But your realism is good to hear. The question is can you still be helpful even given all the barriers: racial, language, cultural? I'll bet the answer is at least kinda yes. And if so, what's the best way to be helpful? Do the folks (white, that is) eventually find that they can, if not fit in, at least work effectively as the outsiders they'll always be? What are the best skills to cultivate in order to be helpful?

Hopefully having a purpose can give you the occasional shot of enough energy to keep it positive. It's not about fun. But that's never been your style anyway.

Anyway no real words of wisdom here, just perseverance. You may ultimately decide the culture gap is too big, but in retrospect this is bound to be a giant life event no matter what you decide about how productive it is. I'm sympathizing here big time, but I'm jealous big time too. You're going for it. Life is too short not to, and so many folks don't realize that. There are a lot of things I'd like to go back and have another shot at-- you're in the middle of one of them. So I'm sure proud of what you're stuck in the middle of, no matter what you decide to do with it.

He says "no real wisdom here," but I beg to differ. I'm sharing both of these because I think this is such a common experience. In my words, maybe you can find something that resonates with your own feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, and frustration. And in my dad's, maybe you'll find just enough encouragement and perspective to keep you going-- I know I did.

Childish hopes

"All the thrill of boyhood dreams came on me just now, watching the sky die in the sea on every side. I wanted to sail when I was in grammar school....Now I am actually at sea--as a passenger, of course, but at sea nevertheless--and bound for Ecuador. Strange--or is it?--that childish hopes should be answered in the will of God for this [mission] now?"
-Jim Elliot

Strange--or is it?-- that childish hopes should be answered in the will of God.

When I was young, I dreamed of being a pioneer-- wearing long skirts, cooking on a wood stove, growing food and harvesting it, making my own clothing. I played at these things for hours, read books about them, dressed up accordingly for Halloween. And here I am now, long skirts, cooking on a wood stove (actually several wood stoves, since we're cooking for about 70 people), eating food that we've grown here on the base, washing my laundry by hand in a tub of water and pulling it in off the line before the afternoon downpours get to it. I love it just as much as I thought I would.

The day-to-day

I've now been in Uganda for a week and a day, which is a little hard to believe-- feels like a lifetime. My computer is broken, which is both a good and a bad thing. We have wifi on the base, and if I had a functional computer I think I would likely spend way too much time on it. The way it is, I can use my iPod to read emails (and write short ones), and then I can borrow a computer from time to time to Skype, blog, and write lengthier emails. So it's the weekend, and most everyone else has headed into town, and I'm staying back here to catch up with the outside world. All this to say: get used to several blog updates in a couple days, and then nothing for a while.

I'll start with the easiest things to describe-- the day-to-day life.

5:30 a.m. Wake up, wash face & brush teeth, get dressed and bundle up a little-- it's been cold in the mornings!

6:00 a.m. Head outside for quiet time. It's still dark at this point, so I go and find a quiet spot to sit and pray and wait for the sun to rise. Lately I've been sitting on the edge of the (red dirt) basketball court, overlooking the soccer fields, forests, hills, villages, and Lake Victoria. I sit and pray for a half hour or so, watch the consistently breathtaking sunrise, listen to the monkeys and crickets and unfamiliar birds, and ask God what He has for the day. Once the sun is up, I read a bit-- I've been reading in John and Proverbs in the Bible, and My Utmost for His Highest. So good.

7:30 a.m. Breakfast. We have two white bread rolls, with either margarine or homemade peanut butter (my favorite), a banana or a hard-boiled egg, and a cup of spiced milk tea.

8:30 a.m. Worship or prayer time, either as a school or as a whole base. My favorite so far was when they had each nation represented (10 total) come forward and lead a worship song from their own country.

9:30 a.m. Lecture. We've had a speaker from America this week, but each week will be someone different. The lectures have been so good, so challenging and inspiring and informative. I feel like each day this week God has brought up something that has completely transformed my thinking and living in one area or another. It's so hard to believe it's only the first week!

11:00 a.m. Break tea. I don't know why it's called "break tea" and not "tea break", but it is what it is. We have another cup of milk tea or instant coffee and another roll or bread and butter or mandaazi (like a less-sweet donut) or something similar.

11:30 a.m. Lecture. There's so much information that it's really nice to have that break in the middle.

1:00 p.m. Lunch. Lunch and dinner are usually very similar, a combination of four or five of the following: rice, pasta, potatoes, posho (a mash of white corn flour cooked in water), matoke (cooked green bananas), beans, cooked cabbage, avocados, pineapple, watermelon, and very occasionally some sort of meat (I think we had lamb last night) or my favorite: chapati. Chapati is a fried flatbread, kind of like a thick, flavorful flour tortilla, only a thousand times better.

2:30 p.m. Group time. Later on, this will be small groups to discuss what we're learning in the lectures, but this first couple of weeks we're staying together as a large group. We sit in a big circle and each person takes a turn to share their life story. With 43 people ranging in age from 17 to about 40 years old, coming from the US, UK, Austria, Czech Republic, South Korea, Congo, Rwanda, Kenya, Tanzania, and Uganda, this is an amazing time of getting to hear such different stories. Wednesday was an especially powerful time. In many East African cultures, public displays of vulnerability or emotion are very uncommon, and people instead keep things to themselves and just say they are fine. But on Wednesday, several different Ugandans shared their full life stories, heartbreaking stories, even in tears. If we're starting a precedent of that kind of openness in the first week, I can't wait to see what God will be able to do with this group over the next five months of sharing life together.

3:30 p.m. Work duty. We haven't started this yet (we get one week as a guest), but we'll be helping clean or garden or cook or do anything else around the base that needs to be done. I've never hoed a garden in a skirt before-- it's an interesting prospect.

5:30 p.m. Free time. This can involve napping, singing, talking, reading the 10 chapters a day we're supposed to read from the Bible, playing basketball or soccer or frisbee, or teaching the Africans any of a number of great games such as spoons or Uno. Always a good time. I've been singing lots, and yesterday had a ukulele lesson with a Tanzanian guy (I was teaching him).

7:30 p.m. Dinner. Basically the same as lunch.

8:00 p.m. After-dinner activities... sometimes a social event (this week we played duck duck goose and bobbing for apples) or worship time, sometimes an unofficial dance party to the Lion King soundtrack, you really never know.

10:00 p.m. Lights out. However, it is on very rare occasions that I am still awake at 10. I generally end up falling asleep sometime between 8:30 and 9:30.

On being

We dropped through the clouds and Lake Victoria slid into view. The hills and jungles came into focus, rusty red clay and deep green banana trees. Cattle and goats surrounding the runway, unimpressed by the jet landing thirty feet away from their heads, and it all came back to me. I love this place.

The transition is hard. I'm constantly surprised and a little taken aback by the range of emotions I experience in any given hour. I love this place, but I miss so much about home. I'm enjoying getting to know the people here, but I don't know them yet, and I don't know how to share this experience with them. Everything is new. I have to be humble and have quite a sense of humor about it all: Excuse me, sir, I don't know how to fill up my water bottle... can you help me?

There's still so much I don't know about the coming eight months. Right now, especially, as we wait for everyone to arrive, there is no schedule, the schools are all on break, and there's really nothing to do. The Western mindset rebels against this: get on Facebook! Watch a movie! Make a to-do list and then do all the things on it! Go out for coffee! DO something!

But when you push past this (like dropping through the clouds), there's gold to be found. We (as Westerners) have lost the ability to just be. I'm finding it again. Reading, meditating, praying, singing, talking, but also just being, with the sun on my feet and the stickiness of humidity on my skin and the smooth clay dust on my fingers and the unfamiliar birdsongs in my ears. Wherever I end up after all the adventures, I want to know how to be.

Grace in my heart and flowers in my hair

And there will come a time, you'll see
with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart
but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see
what you find there,
with grace in your heart
and flowers in your hair.
 -Mumford and Sons

This song just about sums up the transition. Goodbyes are hard. Leaving the familiar is hard, especially when the familiar is also wonderful.

But it's worth it. It's worth it to love, even when it makes the goodbyes harder. It's worth it to take a risk, even though there's that moment of limbo before the path becomes clear. It's worth it to go full-tilt after the dream.

Right now, I can't quite see over the hill in front of me. I'm exhausted-- mentally, physically, and emotionally spent. On my flight to London, I found myself trying to muster up the strength to be... something. To be ready, or prepared, or enough, or excited, or something.

And then I realized that I have what I need. I am enough. He, in me, is enough. I don't have to be anything other than myself, exactly where I am.

So, with grace in my heart and flowers in my hair, I will climb this hill of goodbyes and letting-go and transition, and I will see what worlds I find beyond it. I'm not quite excited, at the moment. That's honesty. But I have what I need, and I'm trusting the process. Easy and safe were never part of the promise, but the promise is good.

All that's necessary

Christ be with me, Christ within me,
Christ behind me, Christ before me,
Christ beside me, Christ to win me,
Christ to comfort and restore me,
Christ beneath me, Christ above me,
Christ in quiet, Christ in danger,
Christ in hearts of all that love me,
Christ in mouth of friend and stranger.
-St. Patrick

You are my adventure and my co-adventurer. You are at once my destination and my companion. You are my purpose and all I need for the journey. You are the joy set before me and the peace within me.

You hem me in, behind and before, and lay Your hand upon me.
-Psalm 139:5

The official support letter

Dear family, friends, brothers and sisters in Christ,

Thank you for taking the time to read this update on the exciting plans God has given me for this year!

The short and sweet:

A 7-9 month training, serving, encouraging, and vision-casting journey to Uganda & the UK.

The details:

From August 2012-January 2013, I will be in a Discipleship Training School (DTS) in Jinja, Uganda, with Youth with a Mission (YWAM) at their Hopeland base there. YWAM describes the purpose of a DTS as “to encourage committed Christians into a deeper personal relationship with the Lord, thus equipping them to serve Him in whatever capacity He calls them to. It is also an introduction to the values of YWAM and a chance to explore the opportunities we can offer to develop a calling into missions.”

Following the DTS, my plan is to spend another month in Uganda, visiting other YWAM bases and ministries. After this, I’ll stop in the UK on the way home for as long as finances allow (anywhere from 1-3 months), visiting YWAM bases, family, and friends all over the UK and Ireland. I’m especially interested in spending some time at YWAM Paisley, a base in Scotland that focuses on living in creative, worshipful, intentional community. I also hope to have the opportunity to visit my cousins in Northern Ireland and to visit friends in Galway, Ireland, where I studied abroad in high school.

What's the point of all this?

As I’ve prayed and planned and prepared over the past year or so, the vision has slowly come together for this journey. The purpose of the trip is fourfold, which is great, because I like bullet points.

• Training: Having never had any formal Bible teaching, I am so excited to do a DTS—intensive study and biblical teaching for three months, followed by two months of application on the DTS outreach. And all of this in a non-Western setting—such a source of perspective and depth!
• Serving: During the DTS, I’ll be able to use my gifts, my training, and my willing hands to partner with YWAM Uganda in the amazing work they are already doing and lighten their load in any way I can. In my travels following the DTS, I will also happily offer my services, skills, & training in any way I can be useful to the bases I visit, working for my keep.
• Encouraging: it can be such a breath of life to have a visitor, to hear stories of how God is moving across the world, to share commonalities across cultures, to laugh and learn and worship together and minister to each other. “Like cold water to a thirsty soul, so is good news from a far country.” (Proverbs 25:25) I feel incredibly privileged to get to be that breath of life.
• Vision-casting: the vision-casting aspect of this journey is both personal and corporate. Personally, I’m wide open to the possibility of long-term ministry in any of these locations. Both Uganda and the UK have been on my heart for years, and I’m eager to see what my future looks like in relation to those places. On a larger scale, I look forward to fostering the partnerships God is waiting to build between ministries and members of the Church across the world. One of my great passions in life is to see the Body of Christ realized in the fullness of the way He planned it.

In closing:

I feel like this journey is the beginning of a new season of really walking in the dreams God has for my life, using all the gifts and training and blessings and passion He has given to me. I feel incredibly blessed to be walking in the footsteps of such believers as Paul, getting to see the bigger picture of what God is doing worldwide and working to weave stronger connections among His Bride, while having the honor of meeting and sharing fellowship with so many diverse brothers and sisters in the faith. 

Partnership:

With all of the ways God has opened doors and confirmed His heart for this plan, I have no doubts that every penny will come in in His perfect order. That said, I am in the process of fundraising. I’ve been blessed this year with great jobs that have allowed me to put a good deal away in savings, but as of June 5^th, I still need to raise about $2000 more for these nine months or so (plane tickets, the DTS, visits to other bases in Uganda and the UK). Please pray about it and give only what the Lord leads you to give—I can't wait to watch Him supply every need!

I am also support-raising, which is even more exciting. This is the part where I get to travel around, spend time with so many amazing people, share what God's doing in my heart and life and in Uganda and the UK, and build connections with the Body. I’ll be leaving the States in mid-August, so if you'd like a phone call, email, Skype, or real live visit, or if your church really loves missionaries, let me know and we'll figure something out! This is my favorite part. Except the part where I'll be traveling all over the world, chasing the dreams God has put in my heart. That’s my real favorite part.

More information:
www.ywam.org
www.ywamhopeland.com
www.ywamuganda.org
www.ywampaisley.org


Contacting me:

Leave a note here and I will gladly get back to you! If you're not a member of my mailing list and would like to be, just let me know!

Grace and peace to you from our sweet Lord Jesus, blessings on your families, life to your hearts, and favor on the work of your hands.

Molly K. McKinney

I made a choice

I made a choice to be here.
I made a choice to be 25, single, and transient.
I made a choice to live on the mountaintops and not on the highways.
I made a choice to feed the dreamer and chase the rainbows and go for broke.

Some days it's hard to remember. Some days, after twelve hours of packing and moving (knowing I'll do it all again at least twice more before summer's end), it's hard to see anything but frustration. Some days, saying goodbye and feeling my heart stretch and tear yet again, it starts to feel like a curse. Like this is something that has happened to me. It's easy to fall into self-pity.

But I made a choice.

I looked at the paths. I explored the options open to me. Presented with the opportunity for comfort and consistency, I let my mind and my heart wander hand-in-hand down that wide, level road (it wasn't hard to see where it was headed). As the vision wandered on, I saw my mind and heart always comfortable, the routine always consistent and predictable, and no life to be found. Mind grew anxious and given to fits of whining for lack of anything else to talk about, heart turned gray and bleak and screamed with gasping little breaths for something more.

I recoiled and pulled them back just in time, and rolled them down another path. The winding, climbing, rambling, narrow path where "If only..." gives way to "What if..." which teases back with "Okay, when?" and is met with a resounding "Well, why not now?" They followed this path, cartwheeling and leaping and gaining speed. And they faced scraped knees and tears and having the wind knocked out of them on a frighteningly regular basis, but their hearts (the heart of my heart, the heart of my mind) pounded and their blood flowed and their cheeks glowed and no one could question if they were alive.

And so I made a choice.

I was created a dreamer. I was created a live wire, a loose cannon, a dangerous equation of imagination and impulsivity. I was created with a million "what if"s firing constantly across the night sky of my mind, with the willingness to engage them, with the stubbornness to chase them and pin them down. I was created with a knack for jumping in with both feet and very little natural talent for patiently testing the waters. And this knack has landed me in pits and mud puddles and surrounded by crocodiles, and it has landed me on trampolines that have flung me into the greatest adventures.

I was created this way, I say, but I made a choice to engage, to accept, to throw open my arms and embrace it.

This is not a sorry circumstance, this is not a feather blown by the wind for lack of the gumption to make a decision, this is not a holding pattern until I figure it all out.

I made a choice to stay a dreamer, in the company of dreamers, chasing after the greatest Dreamer.

And I would make that choice again.

25

A good measure, pressed down and running over.

If I were to stumble over what I have not, what I am leaving, what I am waiting for, I would miss:
-All my kiddos' sticky, sweaty hands and hugs
-The simple joy of the moment, being a tourist in my own town on lunch break and enjoying an affogato
-All the daily chances to throw my head back and belly laugh
-Each bite of a meal made on purpose
-The support of my beautiful friends, and the love and wisdom in each word they say
-The satisfaction of small successes
-Hot pavement, warm air, cool breezes at sunset-- the first real days of summer.

At 25, let me live each day, receive it with hope and farewell it with gratitude, and pack it away in an arsenal of reasons to rejoice.

Uganda & Kony 2012

 For the past fourteen months or so, Uganda's been on my heart again (I spent two months there in 2007). Since last May, I've been praying about the possibility of returning there for a longer period of time, and since June I've been looking into opportunities with YWAM Uganda (www.ywamuganda.org). Since August, it has been my hope to head to Uganda at some point in 2012 for a discipleship training school (DTS)-- a six-month school that starts with three months of studying Scripture and the character of God and how He relates to the situations found in Uganda, and then continues with two or three months of outreach as a means of blessing communities elsewhere in East Africa.

So that's my background. I don't claim to have a ton of authority, but I love Uganda, and I have a little more experience with and personal investment in the country and the people than your average American 20-something-year-old.

That said, I was very intrigued when a video about Uganda and its struggles began showing up all over my Facebook page a few weeks ago.

Having looked into it a little further, here's where I stand. I'm obviously all about ending the use of child soldiers and sex slaves. But I'm also about doing it in a real, transparent, Christ-like, holistic, lasting way. I do appreciate Invisible Children's work in just plain getting the word out. But my heart is to see people really look into the issue beyond the user-friendly, one-time-only involvement fads, and find a way (be it praying, going, giving, advocating/sharing/speaking up) to contribute to lasting change.

If your heart has been stirred up by the Kony 2012 video and the very real heartbreak of the people of Uganda, praise God. Do a little research, and find a way to contribute to an organization that's there on the ground, operating in a sustainable and realistic, practical, transparent way, seeking to rebuild and sow forgiveness, reconciliation, and healing rather than vengeance.

You can start by reading the following articles for a little more information and inspiration, and practical places to start.
 
A good basic rundown on the situation in Uganda and the Invisible Children organization
A beautiful perspective by an amazing woman on the ground in South Sudan, just above the Ugandan border
A follow-up from the above woman (Michele Perry) with action steps
One more resource for information on IC, the reality of Uganda, and practical ways to help

You

The more I want you
the more I am determined
to have you and only you

Because I desire gold
I am tempted with all things that glitter
but you are worth the waiting

I will not numb my senses
with counterfeits and half-measures
I will wait for you.

Having done all, to stand firm

Even as we await the outcome, we can praise You in the midst of the furnace-- praise You that You stand with us even in the fire, praise You that we are being refined, praise You that the breaking point is higher than we imagined, that we are made of stronger stuff than we imagined, and certainly of stronger stuff than when we began.

I need righteousness more than I need to be right
I love Your wisdom more than I love my own light
So I lay me open before You
I lay me open, coming just to implore You
Search me, O God, and know my heart
Try me, and know my anxious thoughts
Test me and see if any wicked way there be,
I lay me open, I lay me open.

Praise You that You are just and wise and merciful, slow to anger and rich in love. Praise You that You discipline the ones You love, allowing hardship and hurt and confusion to refine us, but not to ruin us. Praise You and proclaim that, whatever the outcome, You are good and Your mercy endures forever.

Addiction to fiction

You're bringing into focus
my addiction
to fiction
My succumbing to the siren-song
of someone else's life
Just how easy it can be
to lose myself
mis-invest my wealth

to waste the minutes
(and miss the Moments)
investing time and interest
in pixel-fabricated quests.

Will I one day wake
and wonder at the fact
that I've missed my own path
forgotten entirely
to bring to life the history
You had in mind while dreaming me?

(My own, complicated travels
may take more than ninety minutes to unravel
but the salt of sweat
and iron of blood
is real--
Never let me forget what it is
to feel.)

But bless You, You're pursuing me
wooing me
into marriage with reality
Gritted-teeth commitment to face here and now
with shoulders squared, feet firm on the bow
and arms thrown wide
I'll laugh with the sea-spray on my face
give thanks to You in every place
open my eyes
and enjoy the ride

Father, let Your voice
narrate the mysteries
wilder than fiction
truer than history
I'll let Your love-song
be the soundtrack to my life.

Epic

I'm restless again. The part of me that resonates deeply with epic stories gets stirred up from time to time, so that the routine and the mundane become like shackles I can't wait to shake off and run far and fast just because I can, and to know that I can. I try to satiate the restlessness with travel, with physical challenge, with new mental territory. Always beforehand it seems like just the right journey will cure it, just the right new mountain to climb will call it satisfied. But I'm learning that it's my innate connection to a greater epic, and it won't be filled by anything this earth can give.

I serve the God that has placed eternity in the hearts of men, and has also kept it, for the time being, just out of their reach. Cruel? Maybe it seems so, but it's what keeps us striving, keeps us alive. If we could grasp it so quickly, what else would there be to live for?

At this juncture, and every time I come to this place again in this life, the only answer is to dive into the One who tantalizes us with a loftier purpose than anything satiable. The epic is dear to His heart, and He is the greatest storyteller... I will burrow deeper into Him and await the unfolding, knowing that He will fulfill what is in His heart and what He has placed in mine.

2012, or Positioned for Greatness

I slept enough last night (after drifting off while meditating on the throne room) and woke up early this morning (drifting back into awareness through the same place). I woke up with joy and anticipation, ready for work and for life. Two weeks of interruption from the routine have refreshed my gratitude for it-- I can't wait to see my sweet and quirky kiddos today, I forgot how inspiring and refreshing my friends and housemates are, I forgot how good it feels to wake up in your own bed and know where the makings for coffee are.

Laura Hackett sings about grace and forgiveness and how Your kindness is so much greater than we know. You've been calling me into more, showing me the potential You've put in me and letting me know You're ready to release it if I'll only show myself willing. In this very house sleep some of the best possible companions for the journey.

I am rested, awake, refreshed, renewed in perspective, and taking ten minutes to cradle a cup of coffee in both hands while I ponder Your love and how it is mine and brings all things into my reach. In rest and quietude and peace, seated in Your lap, I am positioned for greatness.

With inspiration and resolution comes an intensifying of the battle, but I want to live this year from this place. Seated in Your lap, I am in the heartbeat of the action, but I am safer than I could ever be on the sidelines.