Patterns

Those of you who know me well know that there are certain patterns that I tend to follow in life. Those of you who don't know me well, or even at all, probably could have guessed this, as I think it's a universal truth for fallen humans.

Yesterday was fantastic. While there were times when I struggled with the sheer amount of time in a day and the ingrained impulse to fill the hours as quickly as possible, I was able to turn that impulse over to God and spend the day in a simple way. I spent hours praying, reading, meditating on Scripture, picking up a few fresh vegetables at the farmer's market, going for a run on the lakefront, talking with dear friends... I ended the day feeling refreshed, invigorated, and excited for the coming weeks.

Today I woke up sore. Here's where the pattern comes in. First, my circumstances change in a way that forces me to reconsider some or all of the things I'm doing. Second, I decide on new things with which I'd like to replace the old things, and I do those new things with renewed energy and enthusiasm. Third, I wake up groggy, sore, and distracted, and I chuckle at the seeming naiveté of the previous day's list of resolutions.

But the Lord is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love. He is never surprised by my weaknesses; instead, His power is made perfect as it works through them. So I pray that He would build in me a discipline that I cannot build in myself, and that He would be gracious enough to help me step aside as He works in and through me.

The beginning of an untitled chapter

The way I see it, there are two ways to look at just about everything. We can give in-- to defeat, fear, dismay, hopelessness, bitterness, cynicism, or any of a number of worthless mindsets-- or we can choose to live. Looking at the past several months of my life, it would be easy to call it failure, to curl up in the fetal position and lament the things that have gone wrong, the dreams that have turned sour, the best-laid plans that have fallen to pieces. And don't get me wrong, there have been days when this was really all I wanted to do.

But the mystery of the Gospel is the way it turns everything on its head. In a time of failure, sickness, exhaustion, and loneliness, a time where I couldn't even begin to hypothesize what my life will look like a month from now, I have been given a sense of peace that surpasses anything I have known before. God, in taking away all of the things that previously consumed my time and energy and thoughts, has called me to Himself. For years I have dreamed of a life that would allow me ample time to read and reflect and pray and meditate for hours about things of the Lord, and at the same time I have consistently filled my schedule with busyness and proceeded to wonder why I never have time to develop all of the spiritual disciplines I pray for.

So here I am. It's funny how the things you pray for tend to become a reality you would never have asked for. In all my prayers for the time following graduation, I never considered unemployment or asked God to give me an absolutely empty schedule. I have been a slave for years to my need for busyness. I don't handle free time well, but rather than developing the discipline necessary to make free time a fruitful and blessed gift, I have filled my days with purpose and service and importance. And now it's time for that to change.

I don't know how long this time will last. But I do know this: I enter every situation in life purely by the grace of Jesus, and the only appropriate response is to live it for His glory. So I will strive, in this time of empty days, of hours and hours stretching out before me, to build the discipline I never had before, and this blog is a part of that. I have no reason to believe that my thoughts, stories, and reflections would benefit anyone, but having a public venue for them will compel me to continue on with them. If they bless you, I am thankful; if they remind you to pray for me, I am blessed. If they do nothing more than provide me an opportunity to form my thoughts into coherent shapes and record them for prosperity, my time will have been well-spent.