1/13/13 UPDATE: DTS... here's to you.

Cheers to the furrows on our brow,
to each hard-won victory.
Cheers to the losses that grew us up,
killed our pride, and filled our cup.

Cheers to the friendships well worn-in
that neither time nor distance alter;
here's to the sleepers we'll see again,
fine company in memoriam.

Cheers to the passing of our youth
and the death of lust, not wonder;
a toast to the lessons not yet learned
and to the trials that will teach them.

Open your mouth and sing out your song;
life is short as the day is long.
I can't leave you my body, but I'll leave you a tune...
This is my legacy;
here's to you.

-Brooke Fraser, Here's to You

I love Brooke Fraser for many reasons, including that her music often seems to express my heart exactly. After five long, arduous, joyful, packed, challenging, life-changing months, the DTS is over. We arrived back from our outreach locations of Dar Es Salaam and Arusha (my team), Tanzania, on Tuesday morning after a blessedly uneventful bus ride (with the exception of a few exciting baboons on the road) and watched the few days fly by too quickly until our graduation and the inevitable but dreaded goodbyes. Yesterday we celebrated thoroughly, and this morning I was up at 5 to see off some of my dearest friends as they headed back to their home countries of Congo, Tanzania, and Kenya. My heart absolutely broke as we all wept in each other's arms and said our farewells, but as the day has gone on I've been able to reflect and thank God for the miracle of the last five months. We've transformed from a random assortment of young people from 10 different nations and 43 different life stories to a family, united in love after months of living, laughing, fighting, mourning, and facing each day together. Praise God with me, will you? I have learned to love deeper and through harder obstacles than I ever expected to know how, and I have gained true brothers and sisters all over the world. I know that God brought us together, united us in His love as He brought us to and through each trial, and will go out with us again as we head our separate ways, and I thank Him for the life of each of these beautiful people.

I'll try to update the blog with more reflections and details in the coming weeks as I process everything, but for now I'll attempt to summarize it all in two paragraphs!

OUTREACH. 32 people from 8 nations living in a house together for 6 weeks, sharing one pit latrine and two showers, sleeping 3-to-a-mattress, fetching water from a quarter mile away each morning for all of the cooking, drinking, cleaning, and bathing, ministering in hot weather and across language barriers, overcoming massive personality differences, unable to get personal space for 3 minutes in a day, away from our families for the holidays, making decisions together, dealing with a couple of major medical emergencies, and here's the miracle: we got on the bus at the end of the six weeks so indescribably united and knit together in love. How does that even happen?? (By the grace of God.) Oh, we had our moments. We had our screaming fights, our days of the silent treatment, and maybe more than our fair share of tears, but we pressed through. We chose to love each other, to work through it, to forgive and continue to care for each other each day, to see each other at our worst and not hold it against each other, and we came out the other side with relationships brilliant and refined by the fire. We ministered in leprosy homes, with street children, in churches and hospitals and public parks and orphanages, through generosity and love and prayer and preaching and service and dancing and fun, as we learned to listen to God and walk out what He gave us to do. Don't get me wrong, there were moments I would have hopped on the first plane home, but now that it's all finished, I wouldn't trade it for the whitest Christmas in the world.

WHAT'S NEXT? Now that I'm an official YWAMer, I'm staying here at the Hopeland base for four weeks, until February 10. I'll be helping around the base mostly in the area of admin and publications (website, videos, brochures, you name it), but also leading interactive, extended worship nights (creating an environment for worship through art, reading, journaling, dancing, singing, sitting, every way you can engage with the Lord) and hopefully making a few visits to the orphanage we found on our mini-outreach back in October. After that, it's off to the UK and Ireland for two months. Things aren't officially in place, but the plan is to spend six weeks at the YWAM Paisley base outside of Glasgow, Scotland, helping them to get their prayer house started (see above description of worship nights) and then to travel around and visit friends and family and see the sites of Scotland, Wales, Ireland, and Northern Ireland. On April 10, I fly into Portland, OR, and begin what I hope will be a summer of visiting as many people as possible, perhaps by buying an Amtrak 30-day rail pass and fulfilling my lifelong dream of taking a cross-country train journey, in which I visit people all over America! I'll also be attending a plethora of weddings. After the summer, God only knows for sure, but I'm hoping to go somewhere long-term (for the next couple years, at least) through YWAM. Which "somewhere" remains to be determined.

I did it in two paragraphs! I'll close by saying THANK YOU so much for all of your prayers and financial support that make this life possible. I am so supported and so loved and so blessed to be living the fulfillment of all the dreams God has placed in my heart, and I thank Him so much that you are partnering with me in that process. Words can't express it. Thank you, and God bless you.

Love,
Molly

11/24/12 UPDATE: Final pre-outreach update

Hi there!

I've been notified that my last update (November 9) may have gone to spam folders for many of you (too much bolding, McKinney). For your reading convenience, I've posted it at my blog (find it here), and I will henceforth refrain from bolding every other sentence.

I recommend reading that one first, but if you're crunched for time, here's the reader's digest version: I'm heading to Arusha, Tanzania this Thursday with a team of 25 students and 3 leaders! We'll be there for a little over 5 weeks (our start date has been delayed due to passport issues) doing evangelism, mercy ministry, church ministry, and anything else God puts in our path... we don't really know specifics as of yet. We have a place to stay for the first two weeks, and from there we'll just pray and stay open to possibilities that we come across. So stay tuned for the post-outreach update, which will have much more information!

For now, some praise and prayer points:
-Praise: We successfully completed the 3-month lecture phase with every student that began the course. There were some sickness and visa issues that threatened this, but we've all come back together in time for the outreach, and we're so thankful! We feel like a family, and it's hard when any one person is missing.
-Praise: The Americans on base were able to get together (with the help and company of our British base leaders and a handful of friends from other nations) and celebrate Thanksgiving with a real Thanksgiving dinner, turkey and all! It meant so much to all of us to be able to celebrate in a way that felt like home.
-Pray: For our outreach team. For unity, safety, love for each other and those we're serving, energy and health on a busy schedule, and for God's guidance in every day of our ministry. And for me-- I'm one of two student leaders for the team, so pray for God to work through me and use me in this role.
-Pray: For my heart during this holiday season. I love it here and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is where I'm meant to be, but the holidays are a hard time to be away from loved ones any way you slice it. Pray that my joy, home, and family with be in Jesus.
-Pray: That I will see a giraffe. I'd really like to see a giraffe. And a zebra. And I'd especially like to see a lion, though they tell me that's doubtful.
-Pray: For God's guidance for my post-DTS plans. I've had some really exciting opportunities come up for the next two years, and I'm in the process of praying and sifting through them.

I'll be quite limited in my use of the internet for the five weeks following Thursday, but I always love reading your emails whenever I get them, so keep me posted! And, as I know you do, keep me in your prayers... I'm so grateful for all of your prayers, love, and support. And, in case I don't get a chance to say it, Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Love,
Molly

11/9/12 UPDATE: Repentance & reconciliation, outreach plans, malaria, electrocution, and a wedding!

How's that for a title? Yes, it's been a crazy month.

Reconciliation

In my last email, I asked for prayer for unity in our DTS, and especially in our room. God has answered your prayers swiftly, powerfully, and thoroughly. A few days after the email, our room had a meeting and talked through the things that we were struggling with, and the culture of our room changed that day. Most of the hurts had been unintentional, through miscommunications and assumptions, mixed with a little selfishness on all of our parts, but we have seen such a shift towards love, humility, and service. Praise the LORD!

And this morning... I don't really even know how to describe this morning. I had read about times like this, but I had never experienced it for myself on such a large scale before. We, as a whole DTS, were having a time of prayer for our upcoming outreach, and the Holy Spirit came with such a flood of repentance over the whole group... for hours, we were weeping and confessing our selfishness and weakness and sin to God and to each other, humbling ourselves and acknowledging our need for Him. By the end of the time, all bitterness and discouragement had melted away, the feeling of disunity was gone, and we as a DTS had come to a new level of love for each other, commitment, awe, and submission to God, and excitement about what He's going to do in our remaining two months. One girl had even changed her plane ticket a month ago to go home next week, and by the end of this morning she had changed her mind and is so excited to join us for the outreach and finish the DTS. No one could put a finger on what we needed as a group, but God knew and brought it to pass, because He is faithful and powerful and loving. We are walking in our forgiveness and redemption, and we are excited to go forth in love and unity and share the good news!

Outreach Plans

Speaking of sharing the good news, the outreach plans/teams have been announced! I'll be going with a team of about 30 people to Arusha, Tanzania for six weeks starting November 24. We'll stay there in Arusha, partnering with local churches to share the gospel and minister to the hurting and needy in any way we can, whether in hospitals or ministries for street children or anything else that comes up. It's a bittersweet time, as I'll be separated from many of the people I've become closest to, but I know God has a perfect plan, and I cannot wait to see what He'll do during this next season!

Malaria/Health Needs

As many of you know through Facebook, I had my first run-in with malaria about two weeks ago. I'm doing much better now, thanks to God and your prayers and the doctor we have here on base, but I certainly don't recommend malaria! Days of high fevers (staying between 103-104, around 40 Celsius, for about 3 days), uncontrollable shivering, aching head and body, and no sleeping or eating, accompanied by a medication that makes you even sicker, weaker, and wildly emotional... but the students and staff around me took care of me and celebrated with me when I was finally able to get up out of bed. Thanks so much for your prayers and all your notes of encouragement-- I can't express how much that meant to me while going through such a rough time.

One of my best friends here, Humphreys, a Ugandan staff member, was also hospitalized this week with malaria, typhoid, and stomach ulcers. We almost lost him, and it got a little scary for a few days, but he's home on the base as of last night and has the life back in his eyes. Thanks for your prayers for him as well-- he says without them, he knows he would have died. There have been several major health needs among the students and staff in the last few weeks, leading to large hospital bills for several of my close friends. Healthcare is inexpensive here, by Western standards, but a hospital bill of $200 can be crippling for an African YWAMer living by faith... Please pray for provision, and if God puts it on your heart to give anything towards the hospital bills for Humphreys, Arafat, Florence, or Steven, please send it to Journey Church/1491 W Rose St./Walla Walla, WA 99362 with a note that it is for me, and also send me an email letting me know the amount you are sending-- sometimes it takes a little while for the money to make it through the mail and into my account and to my attention (I do live in Africa).

I also got electrocuted! No lasting damage except for a small scar on my foot, but apparently sometimes live wires are just lying on the ground, and when you take your high heels off after a long day of being a bridesmaid, you can step on them and burn the tissues inside your foot and also feel the electricity all the way into your shoulders. So that was a new experience.

Wedding

Speaking of the wedding, I got to be a bridesmaid in my Canadian friend Chasity and my Ugandan friend Nixon's wedding this last weekend. It was a long day, especially after having malaria all week, but it was an honor and a joy to get to stand with Chasity on her special day, as so many of her friends are so far across the world.

Closing Remarks/Prayer Points

I'll send at least one more update before leaving for outreach, and I hope to write a few blog updates (on repentance, being wealthy and living among the poor, and maybe waiting on the Lord) this weekend, but for now, here's how you can pray:

-Outreach preparation. Unity for the teams, wisdom for the leaders as they plan, and provision, protection, and fruitfulness as we go.

-Health and hospital bills. Pray for health for our DTS-- the last few weeks we've seen more sickness than we ever want to again-- and for provision for the hospital bills that have come up, especially for students and staff who don't have the resources to pay for them.

-Continued outpouring. Pray that God will continue what He started this morning, in each of our hearts and in us as a team. It's so good!

Thanks so much, and all my love to each of you!

Empty

If thou could'st empty all thyself of self,
Like to a shell dishabited,
Then might He find thee on the ocean shelf,
And say, 'This is not dead',
And fill thee with Himself instead.

But thou art all replete with very thou
And hast such shrewd activity,
That when He comes, He says, 'This is enow
Unto itself - 'twere better let it be,
It is so small and full, there is no room for Me.

-Sir Thomas Browne

This is one of my favorite poems, and it seems I come back to it in every new season of life. I know it's not my first time writing about it on this blog.

The past three weeks have been a process of emptying, or maybe more of being emptied by my circumstances. I came into our mini-outreach (the most taxing time yet on the DTS) already discouraged and drained of all of my resources (I thought). As the days continued on, I would find some small, untouched resource and use that, waking up each morning feeling like I had even less to offer than I had the day before.

But here's the thing. It's a little like cleaning, I think. As long as the room is still full of stuff all over, there's a limited amount of cleaning that can happen. You can sweep, maybe mop, dust a little, but you know you're just scratching the surface. If you put everything away and maybe scoot the furniture around, you can get a pretty good cleaning done, but the room is still the same and you know there's some grime sticking to the bottoms and backs of things. But when you take everything out, empty the furniture and move it, bring the room back to the empty shell it was when it started, potential happens. You also, unfortunately, are forced to remember where you've been using furniture to cover holes in the wall and mismatched patches where you ran out of the right paint.

So that's been me. Every day, a little less furniture, a little less stuff, a little less "me". Every day, a deeper cleaning, a hollower chest, a longer time waiting in my quiet time with the Lord. ("No, seriously, God. I actually CAN'T do this day unless You do it for me."). And every day, more freedom, more potential, deeper peace when that potential is filled by the rushing in of His Spirit and the miracle of His using my empty shell.

It's hard, and I'll be honest when I say I'm praying that it's only a season, but it's worth it. Go deeper, get lower, let Him root it all out, and find out what real fullness feels like.

The Restoration of Peter

"There's nothing you can do to make God love you more, and there's nothing you can do to make Him love you less. He loves you because He loves you, because He loves you, because He loves you, because He loves you, because He loves you, because He loves you, because He loves you, because He loves you, because that is what He is like." -Jonathan David Helser

Peter is a simple fisherman, going through his daily routine. Jesus finds him where he is and changes the course of his life by calling him: "Follow me."

Peter walks through three years with Jesus, seeing the miracles, the kindness, the power, the authority, the humility, the meekness, the perfectness of Him.

Jesus humbles Himself before Peter, sharing a meal with him, washing His feet, spending time with him.

Jesus predicts His death, and Peter vows his allegiance, promises his faithfulness to the very end. Jesus predicts Peter's denial in triplicate that very night.

The guards come for Jesus, and Peter draws a sword and attacks in violence and emotion-- still dedicated to Jesus. Jesus sheathes the sword and goes peacefully with the men.

As Jesus is beaten, mocked, tortured, Peter warms himself by the fire. But his heart is cooling. "I wasn't with Him. (One.) I don't know Him. (Two.) I swear to God I've never even met the man! (Three.)"

The rooster crows, Peter remembers, and his heart breaks.

The next day, Jesus dies. Peter never had an opportunity to make it right.

When the news of the resurrection comes, Peter's heart leaps and then crashes. Jesus is alive, but I've ruined my chance. Peter goes back to fishing.

Jesus finds Peter where he is. He joins him in what he's doing. He cooks him breakfast. And then He pulls him aside.

"Peter, do you love me?" "You know I love you." (One.)
"Peter, do you love me?" "You know I love you." (Two.)
"Peter, do you love me?" "Lord, You know all things; You know I love You!" (Three.)

Jesus changes the course of his life by calling him again: "Follow me." 

You cannot fall beyond the reach of God's love and restoration. You cannot lose His call on your life. He is the father of the prodigal son, He is the God of Romans 8:38-39, and there is nothing and no one that can separate you from His love. Not even you.

White

Hey kids, I'm white. I'm English, Welsh, Scottish, German... really white. Maybe in the States I pride myself on the ability to develop a nice tan with little effort, but let's face it: I'm white, and will always be white.

Here's an excerpt from an email to my parents this last week:

The last few weeks have been a reality check about the very real difficulties of serving here as a white person. It's the first time my race has been something I'm forced to think about every single day, the first time being white has limited me and put me in danger, the first time I've been so aware of prejudices and stereotypes based on my skin color. It's a heavy thing, especially realizing that this is the reality of life for many of my friends in the States, and that I've been privileged never to experience it.

I will always stand out. Even if I were to live in this Walla-Walla-sized town my entire life, do all my shopping at the market, make close friendships with the locals, I would still walk down the street to a chorus of "mzungu, mzungu!" (white person, white person) every day, still pay twice as much for everything, still be a target for theft, still get lied to about everything by people looking for a soft heart and deep pockets... Even if I learn the language, the culture, adapt the style of dress, I will always be the "other" here, and that is hard.

On a somewhat more temporary note, it's been a humbling thing to find that the skills I've developed and valued so much in the States don't translate here. I'm not able to be on the worship team because all of the songs are in Swahili or Luganda, and the words are made up as they go along. My music is appreciated, but as a novelty, not as a means of deep community and fellowship as it has been.

When I go to communicate, I have to simplify my language so much to traverse the language and dialect barriers (not to mention managing completely different cultural contexts) that it's hard for me to express anything deeper than a surface-level idea. It's hard to be going through so much transition and not to be able to express what I'm feeling to the people around me. And it's hard to feel like a leader in our class, which is a position I'm in given my age and life experience compared to many of the others, when any time I speak in class, I'm met by blank stares. It seems like it doesn't matter how much I simplify and slow down, the response is generally an apologetic smile and "I'm sorry, I'm not sure we caught that."

In other words, I feel limited and sometimes even useless because of my race and cultural background, and that's a hard pill to swallow. I know I'm called here, but will I always be such an outsider?

And an excerpt from my dad's response: 

It's great to hear your thoughts and reflections-- even if they're not all pleasant. Which of course is what you'd expect, even hope for really, in the situation you've chosen... It's not supposed to be fun, only interesting.... Which doesn't preclude fun of course, and what is fun anyway?

But your realism is good to hear. The question is can you still be helpful even given all the barriers: racial, language, cultural? I'll bet the answer is at least kinda yes. And if so, what's the best way to be helpful? Do the folks (white, that is) eventually find that they can, if not fit in, at least work effectively as the outsiders they'll always be? What are the best skills to cultivate in order to be helpful?

Hopefully having a purpose can give you the occasional shot of enough energy to keep it positive. It's not about fun. But that's never been your style anyway.

Anyway no real words of wisdom here, just perseverance. You may ultimately decide the culture gap is too big, but in retrospect this is bound to be a giant life event no matter what you decide about how productive it is. I'm sympathizing here big time, but I'm jealous big time too. You're going for it. Life is too short not to, and so many folks don't realize that. There are a lot of things I'd like to go back and have another shot at-- you're in the middle of one of them. So I'm sure proud of what you're stuck in the middle of, no matter what you decide to do with it.

He says "no real wisdom here," but I beg to differ. I'm sharing both of these because I think this is such a common experience. In my words, maybe you can find something that resonates with your own feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, and frustration. And in my dad's, maybe you'll find just enough encouragement and perspective to keep you going-- I know I did.

Childish hopes

"All the thrill of boyhood dreams came on me just now, watching the sky die in the sea on every side. I wanted to sail when I was in grammar school....Now I am actually at sea--as a passenger, of course, but at sea nevertheless--and bound for Ecuador. Strange--or is it?--that childish hopes should be answered in the will of God for this [mission] now?"
-Jim Elliot

Strange--or is it?-- that childish hopes should be answered in the will of God.

When I was young, I dreamed of being a pioneer-- wearing long skirts, cooking on a wood stove, growing food and harvesting it, making my own clothing. I played at these things for hours, read books about them, dressed up accordingly for Halloween. And here I am now, long skirts, cooking on a wood stove (actually several wood stoves, since we're cooking for about 70 people), eating food that we've grown here on the base, washing my laundry by hand in a tub of water and pulling it in off the line before the afternoon downpours get to it. I love it just as much as I thought I would.